Inside the Warped Minds of Men. Bear with me.

AS I may have mentioned, I lost my car radio to a dead car battery before Christmas.

My attempted solutions so far:
1) Searched high and low for Audio handbook, assuming the code would be scribbled on it somewhere. It wasn't.
2)Discovered a .PDF file on the internet that explains how to remove the radio. Read how the Ford radio removing tool can be replaced by an improvised wire coat hanger.
3) Searched the house for a wire coathanger. Asked staff in several charity shops if they had any.
4) Discovered that many Ford dealerships offer a decoding service for about £25. Decided that this was too much. Searched the internet to discover that if the serial number of the radio is known, folks on ebay can reveal the code to you for a small fee.
5) Halfway succeeeded in removing the radio using an improvised ford radio removing tool improvised out of some wire garden trellis thing, in the absence of any wire coat hangers.
6) Looked in a variety of shops at possible replacement radio units.

My partner's attempted solutions so far:
1) Rang the dealership that sold me the car 12 years ago if they still had the code. They had.

Feel free to draw your own conclusions.

There simply aren't enough hitchers any more.

I know because I'm always keen to oblige where I can. I stopped for a bloke tonight (9:50 pm) who only wanted a lift "round the corner" on account of "being a bit disabled." Turned out the bag he was carrying contained fish and chips, which i quite fancied.
However, the suspicion remains that hitchhiking is frowned upon in the modern world. I imagine people being herded into police vans at motorway junctions. This is a bad thing. Hitch-hiking is a virtuous activity that should be encouraged.

Hitch-hiking highlights:
1) A student competition to hitch the furthest distance possible in a weekend results in folk flocking to the northern reaches of France in their droves. We reach Aberdeen in two lifts. (Hi Miranda. What have you done with your life?)
2) Leaving Amsterdam and heading for Calais, I'm the unwilling recipient of unwanted attention from a bloke who obviously fancies my string vest. As a consequence of my non-compliance, I'm dropped in the middle of nowhere and stay lift-free for 25 hours. The bloke who rescues me and takes me direct to Calais has my eternal gratitude.

Hitch. Reclaim the roads!

After yesterday's excesses in Cadbury World, I decided that today I'd take my bike for a spin. I confess to being partly inspired by my reading of Tim Moore's French Revolutions, in which Tim decides that his first serious encounter with a bike since childhood should be to circumnavigate the course of that year's Tour de France. It was highly entertaining stuff.
I'm no great cyclist, but I felt reasonably good after I'd swept up the A6 up the hill past Englebert Humperdinck's house. Of course I use the term "hill" advisedly - this is Leicestershire, which makes Holland look hilly (until you're on a bike!) and is a far cry from the Rossendale valley of my youth, where I used to cycle to Halifax for fun cus you couldn't step out of the front door without hitting a hill.
Before I reached Market Harborough I swung north towards the Langtons: East Langton; Church Langton; Tur Langton; Michelle Langton (hi Michelle) and, unbelievably, Shangton.
My camera stayed in my bag while all sorts of photo opportunities zipped past: a large flock of sheep being herded down the road towards me; a military helicopter conducting a low level attack run down the road towards me, only slightly higher up than the sheep; 57 varieties of roadkill; small village pubs that started inviting me in at about 10 in the morning.
All those sneaky pubs started getting to me, so the idea of sticking out til Melton Mowbray gradually became less attractive. I cracked at the Billesdon turn off and barrelled down to the New Greyhound. Turns it was actually 10 to 11 rather than 10 to 12, so I contented myself with patronising the local shop and taking a picture of my bike in a rare moment of sunlight.

Pretty soon I was on the A47, which is nobody's idea of fun - windswept and lorryswept, I set my sights on Stoughton's Cow and Plough. I wouldn't say I started bonking (technical term for when the body gives up and the mind starts thirr-whacking until your fillings melt) but on one or two of the more troublesome slopes I started fixating on the beer I deserved. Which is the only possible jutification for taking a picture of it once I'd eventually got it:

If you haven't been to Barrie Lount's excellent Cow and Plough and you are within 100 miles, you should put it to the top of your to-do list.

I'm no CAMRA nut but that Dark Mild was ace and the Skydiver so quaffable lovely I bought a pack and a presentation glass to take away on the back of the bike.

I eventually made it home feeling rather virtuous, which is unusual after a pub visit. So I did some marking. Then I took some pictures of B's bed so I can flog it on EBay, which is what I'm off to do now. Thanks for listening.

So far so good...

Erm.......

Love Calculator results
These are the results of the calculations by Dr. Love:
George Bush Tony Blair

99 %

Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between George Bush and Tony Blair has a very good chance of being successful, but this doesn't mean that you don't have to work on the relationship. Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other etc.
http://www.lovecalculator.com

http://www.blog.co.uk/index.php/stirabout

If you fancy some hot Midland Interlink Alliance action!
Go on, it took me ages to do!

Advantage: of buying yoghurts with "Thomas and friends" railway engine "characters" on them:
Recognition of well-loved character will lead to enhanced appreciation of yoghurt-based dessert snack.
Disdvantage: of buying yoghurts with "Thomas and friends" railway engine "characters" on them:
Child's tendency to pick up carton and turn it sideways in order to fully examine railway engine "characters" - causing yoghurt-based dessert snack to slop on to the floor.
As you can see, it's been a quiet day.

Don't normally do e:mails, but thanks to Paula for these Letterbocks letters....

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt (You mean English, Ben)

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John (Keep eating the pies, John, it's cheaper)

'AltonTowers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30. Colum Hill (Try American Adventure, where the magic never starts, Colum. And why isn't your surname "Inch")

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD
pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddingtons, Ringway
(A casual glance might suggest that the above letter was written by I.P. Boddingtons, but this is in fact a urinary problem suffered by young men with defective livers in the Manchester area)

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel (Not at the moment, Al!)

I'LL never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant
Ramsbottom Primary School Children, middle of the last century

For some reason that I don't fully understand, I've found myself worrying about my blood pressure today. Anyone else feeling the same? Can anyone explain this phenomenon?

Blimey - scary new file upload system and opportunity to add mp3s and the like. Let's go crazy? Oh dear. Plus stop nicking stuff.

Time of starting to think there must be more to life than filling in questionnaires on the internet? About now.

Were you named after anyone?
Yes. I was named after everyone born by 1962. That's a lot of folk.

Do you wish on stars?
I can't reach, so I make do with touching wood.

When did you last masticate?
Tea time

Do you like your hand writing?
I'd prefer it if it didn't. Sometimes it won't listen to me.

What is your favourite meat?
I like to meat by the clock tower

What is your most embarrassing CD on your shelf?
The Wedding Present's George Best is a bit of a show off when it's drunk

If you were another person, would YOU be friends with you?
If I were another person I wouldn't exist, thankfully.

Are you a doorknob?
Not really

How do you your release anger?
You boy ...stand still laddie...

Where is your second home?
82 Cedar Road. Not as good as my fourth home.

Do you trust others easily?
Yes. No.

What was your favourite toy as a child?
I liked Jimmy Osmond better as a child.

What class in school do/did you think is/was totally useless?
9W. 10Y3. 8H. Too many to mention.

Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Oh yeah, I use it ALL the time, I NEVER stop, You won't SEE me for sarcasm, I'm THE BEST in the WORLD at it. No.

Have you ever been in a Mosh pit?
Oh Yeah.

Would you bungee jump?
Make me

Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Not this year.

What is your favourite ice cream flavour?
Butterscotch

What are your favourite colours?
Black, white, yellow

What is your least favourite thing?
Incorrect. Who is my favourite thing.

How many people do you have a crush on right now?
Bobby Crush

What do you miss most right now?
The bin

What colour underwear are you wearing?
Grey, surprisingly.

What are you listening to right now?
Pere Ubu

What is the weather like right now?
Dark.

Last person you talked to on the phone?
A very nice young man offering to look after the tumble drier for a small consideration (£40!)

The first thing you notice about the opposite house?
Normally the door. Then the windows.

How are you today?
Fine

Favourite non-alcoholic drink?
Apple Juice

Favourite alcoholic drink?
Streams of whiskey

Natural hair colour?
Yes

Eye colour?
Yes

Wear contacts?
Lost the jump leads

Siblings?
two. many. brothers. sister

Favourite month?
October

Favourite food?
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Last movie you watched?
Millions. Yesterday. Just one film, called Millions. Serious answer- sorry. Started watching Die Hard tonite, fgs!

Favourite day of the year?
January 30th

Have you ever been too shy to ask someone out?
Of course. (I'll leave that)

Scary movies or happy endings?
Scary movies with happy endings

Summer or winter?
It's Winter, I think. It's cold enough!

Nugent or Madden?
Craig for me.

What book/magazine are you reading?
Framed - Frank Cottrell Boyce

How do you feel now you've finished?
Embarrassed and relieved in equal measure

Managed, finally, to watch a complete episode of "lIFE ON mARS"
This must mean that home life has gone quiet. My muse!!!

The entire plot revolved around a scarf, which was a bit of a beggar for the props department as they seemed unable to manage an authentic looking 70s united scarf between all of the cast. Couldn't they have tried EBay? The wee lad in it had what he claimed was his dad's, but it was a "knitted by grandma" crochet job that no-one, believe me, would have been seen dead in outside the world of dodgy tv drama (and that goes for 1873 never mind 1973). And then John Simm lost it big time with the villain of the piece, blaming him for the breakdown of warm feelings of camaraderie, being unable to walk to the ground swapping banter with the chirpy Millwall fans, fences like cages and Leppings Lane being too full.Harsh - he only stabbed a guy in the back of the neck with his car keys, John.
1973 then...
1) We had a chip pan that sat on the hob full of lard. Chips were cooked in it, removed and eaten - and it cooled down ready for the next lot. God knows how long it stayed there - years?
2) We had a piece of furniture that was a dead spit for something they had in the show. It was called the "Alice Rostron Cabinet" because it was a gift from a woman called... no, hang on, it'll come to me...Alice Cabinet. Sorry. Jest. But if you are struggling for some furniture, BBC props, my dad's still got it.
3) 11+...Slade going straight to number 1 the talk of primary school..Pan's People...Bazooka Joe...Ted Heath...The Sweeney...playing Mods and Rockers in the playground...a single fan heater...nostalgia aint what it used to be

TOP CHOONS OF 1973...
TIE A YELLOW RIBBON ROUNDTHE OLE OAK TREE
DAWN featuring TONY ORLANDO
2 1 NEVER NEVER NEVER Shirley Bassey
7 1 YOU'RE SO VAIN Carly Simon
2 1 HEAVEN IS MY WOMAN'S LOVE Col Joye
- 2 CROCODILE ROCK Elton John
5 1 DELTA DAWN Helen Reddy
6 1 CAN THE CAN Suzi Quatro
2 1 I'D LOVE YOU TO WANT ME Lobo
- 2 AND I LOVE YOU SO Perry Como
2 1 DAISY A DAY Jud Strunk
- 2 FUNNY FACE Donna Fargo
4 1 BEN Michael Jackson
- 2 I AM WOMAN Helen Reddy
4 1 TOP OF THE WORLD The Carpenters
- 3 I DON'T WANNA PLAY HOUSE Barbara Ray
1 1 THE MORNING AFTER Maureen McGovern
2 1 KILLING ME SOFTLY WITH HIS SONG Roberta Flack
1 1 HE DID WITH ME Vicki Lawrence
5 1 ANGIE The Rolling Stones
- 2 LAST SONG Edward Bear
- 3 MONSTER MASH Bobby "Boris" Pickett
& the Crypt-Kickers
- 3 RUBBER BULLETS 10 cc
- 2 DANCIN' (ON A SATURDAY NIGHT) Barry Blue
- 5 MY LOVE Paul McCartney & Wings
- 2 SAY, HAS ANYBODY SEEN MY
SWEET GYPSY ROSE? Dawn featuring Tony Orlando

Pased your 11+?
Welcome to Kelsey Grammar School

Thanks to Tom and Craig
Notebooks out plagiarists!
CD1
01 Richard Berry and the Pharaohs Louie Louie
02 Vince Taylor and his Playboys Brand New Cadillac
03 Staff 9 Choc-Stock
04 Deep Purple Black Night
05 Gene Vincent Rollin’ Danny
06 The Other Half Mr Pharmacist
07 R Dean Taylor There’s A Ghost In My House
08 The Kinks Victoria
09 BBC Symphony Chorus & Orchestra Jerusalem
10 The Beatles A Day In The Life
11 Lonnie Irving Pinball Machine
12 Gene Vincent Race With The Devil
13 The Monks I Hate You
14 The Searchers Popcorn Double Feature
15 The Monks Oh How To Do Now
16 The Big Bopper White Lightnin’
17 The Creators Kimble
18 Hank Williams (Luke the Drifter) Just Waitin’
19 Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick & Tich The Legend Of Xanadu
20 Sister Sledge Lost In Music
21 Steve Bent I’m Going To Spain
22 The Sonics Strychnine
23 Lee Perry People Funny Boy
24 The Pioneers People Grudgeful

CD2
01 Henry Cow / Slapp Happy War
02 Groundhogs Junkman
03 The Monks Shut Up!
04 Bobby Helms Jingle Bell Rock
05 King’s College Choir, Cambridge Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
06 Frank Zappa & The Mothers of Invention I’m Not Satisfied
07 Nancy Sinatra The City Never Sleeps At Night
08 The Idle Race The Birthday
09 Johnny Paycheck (Stay Away From) The Cocaine Train
10 Gene Pitney Last Exit To Brooklyn
11 Captain Beefheart & His Magic Band Beatle Bones ‘n’ Smokin’ Stones
12 Bob McFadden & Dor The Mummy
13 Hank Mizell Jungle Rock
14 The Byrds I Come And Stand At Every Door
15 New York Dolls Jet Boy
16 Tommy Blake F-oldin’ Money
17 Audio Arts Love Bound
18 The Saints Perfect Day
19 Trigger Happy Rude (All The Time)
20 Leadbelly The Bourgeois Blues
21 R Dean Taylor Gotta See Jane
22 Iggy Pop African Man
23 Mr Bloe Groovin’ With Mr Bloe
24 Dean Martin Houston
25 Frankie Valli And The Four Seasons Walk Like A Man
26 The Move I Can Hear The Grass Grow
27 The Monks Higgle-Dy-Piggle-Dy

Woke up this morning at ...yes, I know...1:30a.m by daughter. Please could I help her with the puddle of vomit in the middle of her duvet? Initial revulsion - I hate vomit - replaced by more mundane observation that most of the chunky bits seemed to be grape bit.

Anyway, I now have a full set - see earlier post for details.

Worryingly, my first thought once I'd finished was to post another "Wow isn't my life chaotic" blog posts. At 2 o'clock in the morning. Now that IS sick.

Instead, I squeezed my lanky frame in to the now familiar confines of the couch and watched most of the lightweight film fare involving Grant and Bullock but no apostrophe (Two weeks notice) recorded off ITV earlier in the week (not by me). I would have watched the end, but it was so lightweight it floated away. And by then it was 3:20 a.m.

PS I stole the above toon. Credit where credit is due: http://www.inch.com/~alecp/apollak/apinions/

Yesterday? I can no longer recognise the boundaries between night and day, and all I know for sure is that:
# Arrived home Tuesday night after teaching all day expecting a beer and an episode of Shameless to unwind. Instead there was 15 yr old's vomit on the duvet; toddler sick on the settee; red wine on the carpet (knocked over by partner while attempting to deal with the first two). So I started scrubbing, and didn't fully piece together the TV episode with the dogging, nakedness and mad ex-wife. One for the dvd.
* Spent night on sofa as toddler was too ill / upset to cope by himself.
* Wednesday was consequently a bit cack, though I kept the nation's youth entertained and educated in the customary fashion.
* Wednesday night took the (slightly recovered) older youth down to tennis in the other half's courtesy car. She is by instinct terrified of the new (get this - she has never driven a car on a motorway. At 42.)and won't drive it. I think it's a pig-ugly thing. It seems to have been modelled on the face of kiki out of Hector's House, and is a horrible green colour to boot. And to bonnet. Big sticky out wing mirrors, bug eye headlights, stupid interior. So sorry, Mr Ford, but I don't like your new Fiesta. But I do like the fact that it has a passable cd player. New bit.
* Music in cars - great isn't it? My car stereo has been MIA for a month. To take it out you need a ford radio removing tool. Or, according to the internet, a wire coat hanger.
Thing is, there isn't a single wire coat hanger in the house. Where are they in the 21st century? I think I'm more likely to be flogged a shirt wrapped round a ford radio removing tool.
* By coincidence, postie brought me a copy of Tom Robinson's first LP (CD to you). I expected to be shocked, and I was. I bought it first and wore it out when I was fifteen, younger than Theo Walcott or my eldest, so it's thought-provoking to be reminded of how politicised it was. I can't imagine those black goth children who hang round the clock tower buying it these days. That's what I thought, when i drove round the suburbs in a brand new cadd Fiesta roadrunner roadrunner. Good grief.
* If you can't bear nostalgia for 1978, skip this, but I was also intrigued by the absence (on this USA additional tracks thing)of the track by track nuggets that adorned the original. Cus I still remember them: "I have no more illusions about the political left than the political right, just a pretty shrewd idea which side is gonna stomp on us first"; "Freedom is invisible- you can't have liberty at someone else's expense (Eric Idle?!); One of my main ambitions in life is to own a silver grey f registered Ford Cortina. Well, Tom, you'd prefer it to the new Fiesta.
.

* Those of you who sit and whine/
You should have been here back in 79

And if you were born then you'd be 27 now.

See, that was an apocolyptical view of the FUTURE - and when 79 came, it was there in the same spirit. The world we knew busted open wide/ In the winter of '79. They stopped the social in the spring / the Natioanl Front come back in.

All faintly silly after the passing of time, but that's the point. It was another country. Tom Robinson can be currently found in pipe and slippers hosting a mildly alternative Radio show on 6Music.

Did you know that George Orwell wanted to call his dystopian vision 1948 but the publishers wouldn't let him?

* Anyhow, after two nights on the couch I spent last night with the toddler and discovered how much better the couch is. He can only sleep in ten minute bursts, and then he has to be held up vertically so all the catarrh can drain away.

* And today the world and his wife came to watch my lessons. How I smiled!