A female rabbit is called a doe and a male rabbit is called a duck.
At least according to my daughter!

Stop laughing!

I think the trick with Morris dancers is to catch them doing something else, such as smoking a fag on the back pew of the cathedral, but I like the way the lass's face blends into the bloke's jacket.

Today I managed to lose my wallet in a bag full of clothes going to Oxfam. I should be in care.

6am Bank Holiday Monday. Have I slept worse? Sigh.
So here is a gratuitous Dictionary of Phrase and Fable Thesaurus of life down on the farm.

"At it like rabbits"

"Happy as a pig in sh1t"

Capella—the `Goat Star' in the constellation Auriga, the `Charioteer'—is the sixth brightest star in the sky, third in the Northern hemisphere. It is a well-known spectroscopic binary of yellow giants, appears to form a physical system with Capella HL, an outlying pair of RED DWARFS, and is a member of the extended Hyades MOVING GROUP (coeval with the nuclear region of the nearby young cluster)....

Separate the sheep from their coats (I think)

Cock of the North

"Don't bite the hand that feeds you."

I'm the king of the castle...

This wool comes from Suffolk and so does...

Escape the rat race, jockey for position, I can't do this.....

http://reviews.ebay.co.uk/KITKAT-BIG-BROTHER-TICKET-FAKES-ON-EBAY_W0QQugidZ10000000000960973?ssPageName=BUYGD:CAT:-1:SEARCH:1

In case you were thinking of buying one!

I HAVE JUST BEEN BROWSING THE SITE, AND NOTICED LOADS OF SELLERS OFFERING BIG BROTHER GOLDEN TICKETS, FOUND IN KITKAT BARS.

ON READING SOME ADS, I FOUND THAT THEY WERE SELLING ONLY A BAR, NOT GUARANTEED TO HAVE A TICKET INSIDE, AND 1 EXAMPLE WAS BIDDED UP TO £512.

JUST TO MAKE IT CLEAR, THIS WAS A KITKAT CHOCOLATE BAR, JUST LIKE THE ONES YOU BUY FROM THE LOCAL SHOP, AND IT WAS NO MORE LIKELY TO HAVE A GOLDEN TICKET INSIDE THAN IF YOU WENT OUT TO THE SHOP AND BOUGHT IT YOURSELF FOR 40p!!!

SURELY NO-ONE IS SO DESPERATE FOR 15 MINUTES OF FAME THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO PAY THAT MUCH FOR AN ORDINARY EVERY-DAY CHOCOLATE BAR! IT SEEMS THE CHANCE TO APPEAR ON TV PRESENTS ITSELF, AND COMMON SENSE RUNS AND HIDES!!

I THEN FOUND ONE ACTUALLY CLAIMING TO BE SELLING A TICKET, COMPLETE WITH A PICTURE, BUT ON EXAMINING THE PICTURE, I SAW THIS:

I READ WHAT IT SAYS ON THE TICKET, AND IT IS A WILLY WONKA TICKET, LIKE THIS ONE:

TAKEN FROM THE CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY FILM, WITH A KITKAT PHOTO CLEVERLY, BUT NOT VERY CONVINCINGLY, ADDED ON THE TOP. THIS ITEM HAS BEEN BIDDED UP TO £10,000,000. YES, TEN MILLION POUNDS!!!

I HAVE ALSO SEEN LISTINGS WITH THE WONKA TICKET CLEVERLY ADAPTED LIKE THIS ONE:

THIS IS NOT A BIG BROTHER TICKET, AND IT LOOKS NOTHING LIKE ONE. THE REAL BIG BROTHER TICKETS HAVE A HOLOGRAPHIC APPEARANCE, AND ARE NOT GOLD IN COLOUR. THIS IS A REAL TICKET:

THERE ARE A COUPLE OF THESE REAL TICKETS AVAILABLE ON EBAY AT THE MOMENT, AND THEY ARE SELLING AT A VERY HIGH PRICE.

BE CAREFUL!!!!!!

Dull Dogs

Had a dull morning doing dull jobs and looking for entertainment in charity shops. I managed

to get my haircut while the toddler sat and filled his mouth with jelly tots. He didn't

start chewing until the whole packet was in.

Message from home: pick up chip shop chips on the way home. So I left baby sleeping in the

back of the car, raced to the co-op and hoped that social services don't work Saturdays. I

quickly grabbed two bumper packs of frozen "chip shop" chips. Of course when I got home it

became clear that what they wanted were chips from the chip shop. If only they'd said!

That's what happens when you get up at 6 :30 am and run yourself rAGGED.

Went back to the chippy. After eating, there was much laughter from the kitchen: the girls

were amusing themselves encouraging toddler to fill his mouth with the contents of a boxed

drink and spit it all over his t-shirt. Oh how I laughed. (Quietly.In my head.)

Samuel Johnson wrote that a man who is tired of Knighton Park is tired of life. I think.

They seem to be doing it up, building some exciting scramble nets and high tech play

equipment. However the local youth seemed content just rolling about in the mud.

Conversation:
Me(To girl on roundabout wearing a 7 today badge): Happy Birthday.
[Ok so it wasn't especially inspired]
Silence
Slightly older girl: He said Happy Birthday. Ent yer gonna say thank you.
7 Year old: It's not my birthday. It was ages ago. I'm wearing it until me mam gives me

'undred pounds.
SOG: She's gonner give yer that on Tuesdeh.
[We're in the heart of Bonneh country here]
7YO: 'Old on. We're gonner go inter orbit.
Me: Come on toddler. Time to get off.

I hope the revamp includes encouraging the single blokes in vans in the car park to be a bit

more discreet. The conveniences are currently home to a very lively cottage industry, if you

know what I mean.

Cleaned the car out. It becomes apparent that it is not only lacking in brakes, it's also

lacking in a great deal of tread on the front tires. Garage on Tuesdeh.

Pictures to follow. More about books and dogs later. I don't want to get too much excitement in one go. And I'm

already booked in to watch Brokeback Mountaizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

And the new feckin fishbowl is leaking.

This is my paternal grandmother at school.
She's in the second row down. The beautiful one. All right, sixth from the left!
What a picture!

Lindij's been having some fun representing blog land through the medium of song and dance - well done girl, I'm impressed. Not only does my current profile picture (Tom Finney in the wet at Stamford Bridge, signed)get a look in towards the end of the video here http://lyndlj.blog.co.uk/2006/05/23/especially_for_you~82427 7

but you also get a picture of what was at one time my bedroom, together with unnecessary union flag (blame my brother) and this:

I should explain that what you see here are examples of some very early washing machines.

The woman who used to own our (my dad's) house invested money in Port Sunlight, and one of their schemes developed new fangled washing machines in the form of these circular disks that have a raised edge to help your clothes become fresh and sparkling. Bad technology. I think they are worth a bit. So leave them alone.

Passengers Bravely Take Down Plane Showing Big Momma's House 2
May 24, 2006 | Issue 42•21
WASHINGTON, DC—The Federal Aviation Administration announced today that United Airlines Flight 43, which crashed outside Parkersburg, WV last Thursday, was in fact brought down by passengers who voluntarily sacrificed their lives in order to prevent the screening of the in-flight movie selection, Big Momma's House 2.

All 105 people onboard died in the crash.
"As we examine the passengers' cell-phone calls and flight recordings, we get a sense of the incredible courage displayed by these ordinary men and women," said FAA Administrator Marion Blakey at a press conference Monday, during which excerpts from the recordings were played. "They acted in the only way they could to stop this unspeakable horror starring Martin Lawrence as an FBI agent who goes undercover as a nanny for a sexy murder suspect."
"These people are true American heroes," Blakey added.

Flight 43 left New York's LaGuardia Airport on schedule last Thursday at 10:17 a.m. en route to Los Angeles with no indication of any suspiciously bad entertainment activity aboard. Black-box evidence indicates that, 40 minutes after takeoff, the crew walked through the cabin and asked passengers to close their window screens. The audio recording goes eerily quiet after a flight attendant can be heard announcing that Big Momma's House 2 would be shown.

"It will be days, months perhaps, before we have a complete picture of exactly what happened," said FAA crash investigator Matthew Roberts, whose team was given the unpleasant job of analyzing Flight 43's last moments. "But we know that the passengers somehow assembled toward the rear of the cabin without attracting attention to themselves—which couldn't have been easy, considering the tense silence that typically accompanies a Big Momma's House film—and decided that they would rather die than let anyone do this to them."

The Onion - Top Quality News, as ever.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/48747

Looking for the new Piriton advert to check whether I'm allergic to straw. Or is that addicted?

Strawbale building began in the UK about 1995, since then there has been an increasing number of people interested in the whole idea of sustainable building, strawbale building being part of that. We don't know how many strawbale structures there are in Ireland and the UK, but guess at around 80-100 and possibly more. By no means have all of them been built by our members, but there seemed to be a growing need for straw bale enthusiasts to network with each other, have a means of finding out current practice and to share information, so in February 1999 an Association was formed to help cater for these needs. So why not join the community of people who are enthusiasts, professionals and the merely curious who build, live in and/or love buildings made of straw bales, just click on the link "join SBBA" above for more details. Or not. It's your life.

Drinking: vodka and apple juice. Gotta be healthy. Going to bed now though.

Lots of pre-exam stress here, and the weather has been wetter than a Wet Wet Wet reunion, so I've been going mad all day. We escaped briefly to New Walk Museum to give the youngest a run out, and he threatened to break things while I looked at some George Grosz.

When we got back to the two teenagers who we had left "revising" we found that their impromptu game of football in the kitchen had got out of hand, so while there wasn't exactly blood on the carpet there was certainly broken glass on the kitchen floor.

I've now rescued my French Floraline advert, mended a chair and stopped the pocket money I don't give them in the first place.
That'll learn 'em.

This is Grosz's "Pandemonium" - he should have tried living here.

That's for David Cross.

I think Ros Thompson of
http://weirdebay.blog.co.uk

is away so I'm going to have to do this for her.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=6630139774&fromMakeTrack=true

Have a look at that and tell me if you have any idea what is going on!

Scroll through the pics and get back to me!!!!!!

"It's the clearest view of Uranus so far!"

You've no idea how sorry I am for that.

But if you're really determined to find out, then I'm genuinely not even slightly sorry. So there!

Bloody e:mail won't work at work (probably caught it off....whoops, sorry!)
Phone credit run out.
So I'm incapable of communicating with the outside world.

I'm struggling a bit with those nearby as well as I've acquired a bit of a hangover on account of getting a bit drunk (doh!) after drinking too much (double doh!), watching the footie and staying up til gone 2 burning a cd for a laugh.

Apart from that I'm fine. Thanks.

Apprently my brother has acquired the European rights to the word FOOK. He's a certificate from Brussels to prove it. I don't know what he's going to fooking do with it, but don't try to fooking nick it or he'll sue your fookin arse. And probably your legs as well.

Plus if you can read this, thank a teacher. See below
Probably a bit harsh, but it made me laugh!

Spent all my earnings from tonight on a box of beer, three dvds (Tenacious D, Prince (!), Pearl Jam (!!) ) six pints of milk and a loaf of bread. Lovely.

And I had a bleak morning at work. But luckily things picked up.
A lot.

PS I owe those scooter boys an apology as well. You're good boys - keep up the fine work.

Apprently my brother has acquired the European rights to the word FOOK. He's a certificate from Brussels to prove it. I don't know what he's going to fooking do with it, but don't try to fooking nick it or he'll sue your fookin arse. And probably your legs as well.

Plus if you can read this, thank a teacher. See below
Probably a bit harsh, but it made me laugh!

Spent all my earnings from tonight on a box of beer, three dvds (Tenacious D, Prince (!), Pearl Jam (!!) ) six pints of milk and a loaf of bread. Lovely.

And I had a bleak morning at work. But luckily things picked up.
A lot.

Where is the last place you went?
Who is the last person you called?
Been cheated on?
Ever filled in one of these "Stolen from Ivor" surveys?

March 16th 1990, 6:30 am

Turned from events and the stainless steel flash
To peer down through the grubby glass
High high above, watching as
The streetlight smeared mass
of dullrain streets passed,
the insignificant people clashed,

and the city awoke
and the dawn broke

on a world changed beyond rhyme.

KENT : This is nothing, fool.

Fool : Then 'tis like the breath of an unfee'd lawyer; you
gave me nothing for't.

Hay Fever
Straw Dogs
Barnstorming fun!

Bit of a barney this morning when it was discovered that 2 quidsworth of avocado had disappeared; it eventually transpired that it had become the secret ingredient in the girls' face masks!

Well, what an afternoon. Two sides, equally matched, with both making a few mistakes but making up for it with pure passion and endeavour, creativity and flair. By the end it was clear that exhaustion was setting in and the end would come as a great relief. It all built to a hugely exciting climax.

Shame I missed the football though.
(Go on, tell me you didn't see that coming! I dare you!)

I won a substantial sidebet when no 1 son rang up for a lift 5 minutes before kick off.

I'm hugely worried about the music thing. I used to buy records by Fatal Microbes and And The Native Hipsters. This morning I bought a Roxy Music compilation and something by The Proclaimers. And much more I'm too terrified to reveal. And - because I thought it would make an IDEAL gift - T'Pau live at Hammersmith Odeon on VCR. I warned you: Be Very Afraid.

Catchphrase Memory. When playing on Thursday, someone called "Bed of Nails" as "Nail Her on the Bed" Young people nowadays, eh?

There's some kind of Scooter Rally going on down the road. So I'd like to say hi to any former members of RossendAliens Scooter Club that might be still alive. I'm only sorry I didn't have the spunk to yell "BellBoy!" at the assembled multitudes.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM yes, that'll do. Roll on Monday eh folks?

12 For four days shalt thou labour, and the sun shall beam upon the earth and it shall be good. The birds they shalt twitter and the sky shalleth be blueth, hereunto the end of Thursday at least.

13 But on the fifth day there shalt be the weekend, and the multitudes shall raise theselves into a feverish state of excitement, and lo, they shalt start thinking about having a barbecue and a few friends round and stuff.

14 And the Lord will be sorely displeased, and the sky shalt be rent in twain, and thunder and lightning shall be upon the earth, and, verily, it shall pisseth down until the waters cover the earth, or Monday morning at the earliest.

15 And the Lord shall sayeth, Take that you lazy heathen bastards.

Sorry mum!

Managed to change my header, but it's a right bleedin' palaver and wasn't ever going to work as I wanted it so it'll have to do. One of the people in the photo is me dad. The other is his mum. Castle Cottage. Small village near Preston.

The next is more Lancastrian 50s spiv than anything else, but I think you can see the Dickensian antecedents. Must have been taken in Cheshire. See that fun with the road sign? What a rogue. And look how long it took him to stop the bloody car!

From the front page of tonight's Leicester Mercury:
Undercover police call time on pubs serving drunks
"Undercover police are pretending to be drunk in pubs to catch landlords serving people who have had too much.
Officers will slur their speech and order drinks, then give an official warning to any licensees who pour them another"

And so, after all the adverse publicity they've received recently (See Channel 4's "Dispatches" programme) Leicestershire's police force have decided to start rebuilding their image. And as they leave behind their games of cricket in the police station, their games of hide and seek in patrol cars and their night shifts spent playing cards and eating takeaways in the station, they...

...go round the nearest pub and pretend to be pissed.

You thought it was going to be...go back on the beat and restore the public's faith on old-fashioned community policing, didn't you?
Evening all!

Can't remember whether my sister is just about to get married or just has got married, and frankly I'm past caring as long as she's happy.

That tower is DEFINITELY not straight.

Shit! Is that the time? Better check the football results!

Stop the car! Notts County have equalised!

The proud family. Seriously, ironic and amusing comments escape me completely so I'm forced to rely on the truth.

Go and get yourself another drink girl!

Cheers!

For more photos of Darren and Carolyn's wedding see here!
http://s7.photobucket.com/albums/y256/morelearning/

Prior to being plunged into darkness, I was thinking about the recent language acquisition of "Two in June"

Cock - A piece of Brio track on which to stand my railway engine, please.
Dick - Do you have a beverage, my good man.
MMM, nice - I approve.
Ninished- Please stop that immediately. Especially that thing where you try to clean my teeth.
All gone - My Ready Brek appears to have run out.
That way - I want that . I don't want this. Please follow me. Take me away from all this.
Car - I have seen a motorised vehicle. (This became annoying when on holiday, when my co-pilot - she of the "We've missed the Brussells ring road, we'll just drive straight through" navigational skills - got us lost in the capital. She pointed out cars I was about to hit [car!] while the youth pointed out cars he'd seen [car!] in a way that was most relaxing for all concerned)
Lorry - see car
Bus - see car
Plane - very handy when you live on the flight path of a small airfield.
Kick - here comes a ball.

Now the summer is here he's decided to live outside, so when I got home from work yesterday (on my bike-yeah)i had to stand in the close (!) and kick balls and listen to blackbirds singing. Then he helped wash the car ie he dipped a big sponge in a bucket of water and then squeezed it all over himself.

A tanner? Is that the expression? Like you'd find in your Christmas pudding. The excitement.

It's 4:30 in the morning and I'm wide awake, which is not good. Except that I've managed to watch the 9th inning of the Toronto Blue Jays at Fenway Park. Which is baseball, for the uninitiated. Lots of stone-faced men chewing and spitting in the dugout. Bizarre.

Last night at about 10:30 our entire area was plunged into complete darkness. This resulted in the following realisations:
* It had immediately become impossible to do ANY of the things I was about to do- apply for writer's course, blog, watch tv, use the internet etc etc All that was left was a glowing laptop screen;
* Every single other house on the close (and what an evocative word that is) has a burglar alarm. And they'd all gone off at once.
* We don't have any matches in the house. And if we did have any candles, my daughter's nicked em. And eaten them, probably. The only option for generating fire involved the hob and a battery powered sparking thing, so we relied on the glowing mobiles - which worked effectively for struggling through the darkness and getting everyone to bed.
* The double-glazing provided by the cowboy who built the extension does actually work at cutting out the sound of 36 burglar alarms, which was just as well as the power didn't come back on for an hour.

Baseball has been replaced by motor racing - kill me now- though I have managed to find the last five minutes of The Liver Birds and an imminent Steptoe. If only I had a Tivo (my attempts to acquire one via auctionsniper last night failed, largely due to unrealistic bargainhunting tendencies on my part:

Auction Sniper Snipe Status Report
eBay Item: Thomson TiVO PVR with LIFETIME Subscription
(Item # 9718470395)
Seller: jimmyda
Your Max Bid: GBP190.00
Current Item Price: GBP212.51

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Status Summary: Bid Too Low
Your snipe did not win because of the reason above

Yep. I said Lego. You know it makes sense. See below...