I'd like to thank Dave for taking my daughter, his daughter and his son camping at the weekend. This completely selfless act, selecting a camp site in the next county (which just happened to be next to a huge carp lake)and constantly attending to their every desire, monitoring their conduct with supreme vigilance and dedicating himself to their entertainment and nutritional needs, deserves approbation of the highest order.
Thanks Dave. You're a star!

Singer Adam kisses final goodbye to showbiz
from this week's Oadby and Wigston Mail
His dulcet tones led him to victory in a TV talent show and he has sung the national anthem at an England football match.
However Adam Watkiss has turned his back on on the spotlight to go back to his work as a carpenter.
He said relentless touring and recording had cost him precious time with his family.
Fans watched Adam make a one-off appearance ay Old Trafford recently, when he belted out the national anthem before the England vsHungary game.
Adam said" I've been a carpenter since I was 17 and I treally enjoy it. I think I'm financially better off doing carpentry than singing.
Adam, 36, who lives in Blaby, won ITV's star search show "This is my moment" in 2001.
He went on to record a debut album and perform at the Royal Variety Show

Such is showbiz! Adam laid the floor in my spare room just before he made it big, and his inlaws live just down the road. He's one of the nicest blokes I've ever met, and he's a shit hot carpenter as well. So if you're looking for a bit of wood working in the Leicester area, give him a call.

I spent a frantic morning lesson with Year 7 building a teacher from a life size outline of myself. Heaps of fun.
http://www.sendmyfriend.org for details of this good cause.
I'd post a group picture here (one student is inexplicably holding one of my shoes) but I think I'd be breaking some law, more's the pity.
Also:
Why I like being a teacher #1: Last GCSE session with adult learners last night. Message in the card read: "We would like to thank you for your patience and even tempered perseverance in the line of duty- to your students. We appreciate your stoicism and thank you."

That's lovely; my head will swell if I get any more compliments. Of course it's the thought that counts, and if it wasn't for the strict county council guidelines on receiving gifts I'm sure they might even have bought me something else, like, say, a dozen bottles of Newky Brown. If you know what I mean. THANKS!

Why I like being a teacher #2:
Kid 1: Sir, Hassan keeps making fun of me just cus I go to the orthodontist's.
Kid 2: Yeah, sir, that's bracist that is.

I swear on my life this conversation among 12 yr olds developed naturally in front of me.
Later, at home:
That test on rocks was really hard.
What did you expect! Rocks are hard!

Blimey is that the time!

Lots of lovely things arrived today. Look away now while I bore your pants off with the details.
1) THE SOUND AND THE FURY
40 YEARS OF CLASSIC ROCK JOURNALISM
A ROCK'S BACK PAGES READER
99p and £2 postage

2) An absolutely massive selection, mainly 80s and nineties alternative and britpop stuff. Complete list is: pulp - different class pulp - contdown black grape - its great when you're straight, yeah supergrass - i should coco supergrass - sun hits the sky (single) the very best of the jam the prodigy - fat of the land therapy? - pleasure death r.e.m - up r.e.m - new adventures in hifi r.e.m - green catch - bingo (single) supernaturals - it doesn't matter anymore massive attack -carter USM- starry eyed and bollock naked nirvana - in utero.... list continues until we get past 50
Cost £1.31 and £3.00 postage. Postage actually cost £7. The cheque's is soon to be in the post, my friend.

3) Mint condition copy of Simon Reynolds excellent investigation of the postpunk scene and its legacy. Postage costs in addition to basic price £4.21 and £1.50 postage

4) 1 "Spurtswriter"
Dick Fold; Paperback; £5.99
Usually dispatched within 1-2 working days
Sold by:badger-books

This was a bit rich as when it arrived the cover bears the legend "Free with the July / August issue of Esquire magazine"! Especially as I used to have a copy, which either went to Oxfam or the secret bookcase where all my other lost books live. I know they're laughing at me from their hidden lair.

Luckily this was for someone else, someone wondrous and luvverly, so I didn't mind the slight scent of ripoff.

5) The replacement for missing cd-rom. Ok, I have a number of cds and cd-roms and stuff. Let's say, for the sake of argument, a thousand. This week only one of them is important. Would you think that the importance of the cd increases or decreases the likelihood of it being inexplicably lost?

You're right. 999 of the bleeders still there. The "Guard this with your life one" disappeared off the face of the earth. One of life's little ironies, I guess. Cost: a couple of hours of my life.

Well actually more like 12:30; I hadn't realised how terrified of aeroplanes is the lad. Daughter was at the 15 mile "Walk of Life" (Happily Free of Dire Straits) and the lady of the house was in the Emporium Sainsbury's, so the chaps had a bit of downtime in the garden. Again.


Littlun decide to play at being a bull and charge the shirt on the line, which suits me because perhaps I can blame those unsightly grass stains on him! (Vanish can only do so much, you know!)

Suddenly there is the familiar buzz of an aeroplane overhead. Child reacts badly and runs towards his "dag" - that's me- shouting a barely intelligible warning. Something like "Plane! Cuggle!"

We scan the skies anxiously. There it is - the noisy Fokker! Thank you, Mother Superior, but these fokkers were Messerchmitts! This is no time for jokes! We're under attack.

As the Red Baron circles over head, child with sweaty head seeks solace from dad. Looks like we got away with it this time, Algy, but we're going to need to do something about your fear of the bally hun. Can't have you wanting a hug every time Fritz decides on a fly past, old chap. Especially living underneath the flypath of a sizeable airport..,

Examboy, as usual, does nothing!
Rest of the day were a bit rubbish. Thanks for asking!
No Germans were hurt during the making of this blog.

Perhaps no problem plagues the Internet as deeply as that of unsolicited junk E-mail, or SPAM. While there’s no doubt that SPAM can be annoying to the end users, SPAM can cause problems for both the network administrators and for those who own or manage a company. The reason for this is that SPAM robs your company of productivity and of system resources.

Warm sunshine, slightly drunk;I really enjoyed it.
Much better than watching the World Cup.

The cricket was really good too, and for some reason the length of drainpipe that exam boy uses to retrieve lost balls (lean over fence holding drainpipe - place end over ball - bring drainpipe back over fence - remove ball) seemed more hilarious than usual. Dropped two easyish catches on account of the slightly drunk thing (beers during the England game, to take my mind off the Hargreaves / Downing matter, followed by a walk round Vicky Park in the sun and more beers in the Old Horse).
There was a two year old streaker, but nobody paid him a great deal of attention.Until examboy was sent off for knocking him sideways when celebrating a penalty.
I'd miss that. Life's too short for regrets, though. I think.

My watch stopped.
I had some watch batteries somewhere, but could I find them?
Yes.
There was an impressive range, but was there the one I needed?
Yes.
Of course I needed to remove the back of the watch, but could I do it with only a kitchen knife for assistance?
Yes.
It's a tiny delicate battery with an even tinier catch, so would I be able to spring it out gently without damaging the innards?
Yes.
Replace to battery without snapping the mainspring?
Yes.
Get the back back on without stabbing myself in the wrist and bleeding to death?
Yes.
Turn it over and see that it's working?
Yes.
.

Sometimes life works; hold on to those moments

I've always thought this corner plot was neat: bigger than average garden for these parts, mostly, including enough for a game of cricket or footie, but after tonight's comedy of errors I'm not so sure.
To start with I was goaded beyond endurance by examboy, who jeered that I would never be able to score from there. So I took the ball on the rebound off the clothesline on to my stronger right foot and lashed an unstoppable shot into the top left hand corner ballooned it over the shed into the garden of the Asian family round the back. (Just moved in. Must introduce myself)
By climbing on the shed roof and looking sad I managed to catch the eye of the householder, who was trying to eat in the conservatory. She found her keys, emerged into the garden and kindly threw the ball back to me. Nearly.
It actually went a little short and a little to the right, landing behind the shed of the Leeds United fan directly to the rear. Luckily I was able to call him over and we all shared amused conversation about throwing skills and Leeds United's doomed attempt at promotion. While this was happening, he passed the ball to his youngest son, who threw it back to me. Nearly.
What he actually did was throw it clean over my shed and into the garden of Mr and Mrs "Railway Sleepers in the Garden would you mind turning that down so we can enjoy our garden in peace"
Couldn't see it though, but we used our secret weapon - Mr Leeds United's cute kids - and soon the had appeared and joined the search. In a matter of moments, they had found the ball and passed it back to me. Nearly.
Actually, it was never found, and pretty soon it was "We were just enjoying our meal" and we had to leave it. It's disappeared off the face of the earth, in that ways that balls do when you're enjoying yourself.
It looks like this. If you find it, kindly chuck it back over the fence.

See, you couldn't say that wasn't exciting!

Look, I realise that by blog doesn't have the scope of yours, the range of topics, the breadth of subjects. Your online diary is more interesting than mine. I accept that. But my youngest has been ill, so I haven't had the opportunity for hugely interesting adventures in my life*.

So it's back to the subject of Thomas the Feckin Tank Engine again, cus I've watched little else for days.

Anyway, the in the latest DVD release one of the episodes is "Thomas and the Kind of Tree we Usually Put up During the Winter Holidays"
I'm no expert, but I suspect it's "Political Correctness Gone Mad" TM

Well there'a touch of artistic licence - but only a touch. It's not an episode title, but a quiz. We are shown a cake, a "tree" and a red carpet. You have to match each one with a special occasion. The tree goes with the winter holidays. Several times! "Thomas is pulling a special tree. We often see special trees like this during the winter holidays"
Looks like they got away with not mentioning the C-word!
And how sad is it that I can confirm this because I'm currently watching it again.
"It was winter holiday season on the island of Sodor"

PS Thanks LindiJ!!

* This is not STRICTLY true. So, for the sake of argument, think about your Tuesday afternoon. Well, mine was better. WITHOUT QUESTION. So don't get too smug, eh?

Stopped briefly in Sainsbury's on Saturday to pen a letter of complant about these monstrosities, which I stumbled across while shopping.

Several questions arise:
1) Why?
2) Who thought they were a good idea?
3) Which landfill are they going in?
4) At £9.99 a go, how much alchohol will you be turning down in order to purchase one?
5) If you drank £9.99 worth of alcohol, would you be drunk enough to think they were a good idea?
6) At £9.99 each, how many of these will be unsold and put in landfills by Sainsburys themselves?
7) How many of us want to show our patriotism by wearing an Elvis wig painted white with a red cross?
8) How comfortable can that be ?
( In the interests of research, I did try for you. Not very)
9) How stupid would you feel sitting in your local wearing one?
10) Why?

Scene: Abbey Park, Leicester (see below)

boy1 (2 this month): Duck!
smartarse dad (played by me): Moorhen, actually.
Beat
boy1 (2 this month): Moorduck!

I swear he's taking the piss out of me.
He's supposed to be ill!

Do not drive to Lancashire
If you do drive to Lancashire, do not go on a Friday.
If you do go on a Friday, do not go via Loughborough “to avoid the congestion”
If you do go via Loughborough, do not go during the hottest part of the day.
If you do go during the hottest part of the day, do not take a two year old child with you.
If you do take a two year old child with you, do not run out of juice as you hit the first wave of stationary traffic ¾ of a mile north of Loughborough.
If you do run out of juice, do not pull into the services and pay a quid and half for some warm fancy squash.
If you do pay a quid and half for warm fancy squash, do not buy it from the lass who talks on the phone while you are waiting to be served and then says “Is that the less you’ve got?”
If you do buy it from her don’t be so sullen in your dealings that she curses you to a five hour journey.
If she does curse you to a five hour journey, do not on arrival strat talking about probate forms.
If you do find yourself filling out probate forms, do not find yourself still at it at midnight.
If you are still filling out forms at midnight, don’t be drinking your dad’s Southern Comfort at the same time.
If you are drinking your dad’s Southern Comfort at the same time, don’t then share a bed with a restless two-year old with a hair fixation.
If you are sharing a bed with a restless two-year old with a hair fixation, don’t get up at 6:15 am.
If you do get up at 6:15 am, don’t decide to “beat the traffic this time” and leave at 6:45 am
If you do leave at 6:45 am, don’t drive like a nutter just cus you’re surprised by the lack of cars 6 inches in front of your bonnet.
If you do drive like a nutter, don’t arrive in time for a full scale debrierf from the family members arriving from Berlin.
If you do get a full scale debrief, don’t stupidly agree to accompany partner to city centre.
If you do agree to go to city center, do not go on a Saturday.
If you do go on a Saturday, do not go on the second hottest day of the year (after yesterday)
If you do go on the second hottest day of the year (after yesterday), do not wear a black t-shirt.
If you do wear a black t-shirt, do not park in full sunlight until the straps on the seatbelts melt your skin.
If you do park in full sunlight until the straps on the seatbelts melt your skin, do not go to the heaving opticians.
If you do go to the heaving opticians, do not go A FULL BLOODY WEEK before the time of the appointment.
If you do go A FULL BLOODY WEEK before the time of the appointment, do not agree to meet anyone in MVC music and video shop.
If you do agree to meet anyone in MVC music and video shop, do not pick up a boxed set of Monty Python films just because they are clearing them out at £2.97 each.
If you do pick up a boxed set of Monty Python films just because they are clearing them out at £2.97 each, do not get a sudden urge to make a phone call.
If you do get a sudden urge to make a phone call, do not decide that the reception would be better outside the shop.
If you do decide that the reception would be better outside the shop, do not leave clutching the boxed set you are holding.
If you do leave clutching the boxed set you are holding, do not be surprised when three burly security guards wrestle you to the floor.
If you are surprised when three burly security guards wrestle you to the floor, do not yell “You’re just tools of the violently oppressive capitalist machine, and I’m going to teach you all a F%$%ing lesson you'll never forget!”
If you do yell “You’re just tools of the violently oppressive capitalist machine, and I’m going to teach you all a F%$%ing lesson you'll never forget!” do not be surprised if you decide you would have been better off at home watching the football, sweeping the patio, lying on the lawn – pretty much anything, really.

Good job Friday morning was such a brilliant time!