Do not drive to Lancashire
If you do drive to Lancashire, do not go on a Friday.
If you do go on a Friday, do not go via Loughborough “to avoid the congestion”
If you do go via Loughborough, do not go during the hottest part of the day.
If you do go during the hottest part of the day, do not take a two year old child with you.
If you do take a two year old child with you, do not run out of juice as you hit the first wave of stationary traffic ¾ of a mile north of Loughborough.
If you do run out of juice, do not pull into the services and pay a quid and half for some warm fancy squash.
If you do pay a quid and half for warm fancy squash, do not buy it from the lass who talks on the phone while you are waiting to be served and then says “Is that the less you’ve got?”
If you do buy it from her don’t be so sullen in your dealings that she curses you to a five hour journey.
If she does curse you to a five hour journey, do not on arrival strat talking about probate forms.
If you do find yourself filling out probate forms, do not find yourself still at it at midnight.
If you are still filling out forms at midnight, don’t be drinking your dad’s Southern Comfort at the same time.
If you are drinking your dad’s Southern Comfort at the same time, don’t then share a bed with a restless two-year old with a hair fixation.
If you are sharing a bed with a restless two-year old with a hair fixation, don’t get up at 6:15 am.
If you do get up at 6:15 am, don’t decide to “beat the traffic this time” and leave at 6:45 am
If you do leave at 6:45 am, don’t drive like a nutter just cus you’re surprised by the lack of cars 6 inches in front of your bonnet.
If you do drive like a nutter, don’t arrive in time for a full scale debrierf from the family members arriving from Berlin.
If you do get a full scale debrief, don’t stupidly agree to accompany partner to city centre.
If you do agree to go to city center, do not go on a Saturday.
If you do go on a Saturday, do not go on the second hottest day of the year (after yesterday)
If you do go on the second hottest day of the year (after yesterday), do not wear a black t-shirt.
If you do wear a black t-shirt, do not park in full sunlight until the straps on the seatbelts melt your skin.
If you do park in full sunlight until the straps on the seatbelts melt your skin, do not go to the heaving opticians.
If you do go to the heaving opticians, do not go A FULL BLOODY WEEK before the time of the appointment.
If you do go A FULL BLOODY WEEK before the time of the appointment, do not agree to meet anyone in MVC music and video shop.
If you do agree to meet anyone in MVC music and video shop, do not pick up a boxed set of Monty Python films just because they are clearing them out at £2.97 each.
If you do pick up a boxed set of Monty Python films just because they are clearing them out at £2.97 each, do not get a sudden urge to make a phone call.
If you do get a sudden urge to make a phone call, do not decide that the reception would be better outside the shop.
If you do decide that the reception would be better outside the shop, do not leave clutching the boxed set you are holding.
If you do leave clutching the boxed set you are holding, do not be surprised when three burly security guards wrestle you to the floor.
If you are surprised when three burly security guards wrestle you to the floor, do not yell “You’re just tools of the violently oppressive capitalist machine, and I’m going to teach you all a F%$%ing lesson you'll never forget!”
If you do yell “You’re just tools of the violently oppressive capitalist machine, and I’m going to teach you all a F%$%ing lesson you'll never forget!” do not be surprised if you decide you would have been better off at home watching the football, sweeping the patio, lying on the lawn – pretty much anything, really.

Good job Friday morning was such a brilliant time!