I'm talking time rather than position - so not bandits at 9 o'clock, more "ridiculously cheap food" at the rejects counter.

I like slipping in at 9:50, after a busy night's teaching. The smug guy is there on the door, but it's too early for him to say "I'm sorry sir we're closed" so you can flash him that "I may be some time smile" and stride in. I tried to stay away from the dvds and cds, my usual Tuesday night vice - I've been known to spend all my pay if I've had a bad night. However, being a tight northern git, I find cheap food difficult to resist. So I am currently enjoying Cumberland Sausage with potatoes, veg and gravy (5p) and some jam filled iced fingers, pack of 5, 5p - and it's hard to think of a better way of spending a penny.

Sixer is ill and has retired to bed, leaving me a cryptic note:
Bin Weds.

I presume this is a reference to a bizarre nespaper story about a bin that's just got married, but she was too delirious to clarify.

In other news, I'm becoming more attuned to local council fookwittage, so this item on the news caught ny ears on the way home.
Apparently Loughborough Council, in their haste to get the town ready for some celebration or other, have cleared away all the cycle racks in the town. Many of them with bikes still attached. Although nobody was told in advance about this, a spokesmoron said "Cyclists needn't worry. If they apply to the council they can have their bikes back almost straight away."

That's me then. Night all.

Well I FEEL stupid!

Doh doooh do
Dooh doooh dooh
Dadoodadoodadoodadooooooooo!

I'm Spartacus. No, I'm feckin Spatacus. Apparently.

www.myheritage.com
Hold the bandwagon!

I need some wind down time after the teenage horrors have left the building. And here it is - a meme I can be bothered with.

A - Available: No
A - Age: Aged
A – Art genre: Matchstalk men and matchstalk cats and dogs

B - Best feature: Off button
B - Bike: Yes. 21 speed MTB by someone you haven't heard of.
B - Birthday: Not this year
B - Book: Hell's Foundations - impact of Gallipoli on Bury. Among (ahem) others.

C - Crush: Velvet. And sixpence
C - Car: Silver grey F registered Cortina. And a dull Escort, which I actually drive.In real life.
C - Comedian: Bill Hicks and Price in "The Comedians" by Trevor Griffiths

D - Day or night: Night
D - Dream Car: Arkansas Chuggaboom
D - Dogs or Cats: Always fancied a dog. Don't tell the dog.

E - Egg nog: Dirk Advocaat
E - E-mail: "No use sending me e:mails because I delete all of yours" [Partner of 20 years]
E - Eggs: I could murder a decent omelette

F - Favourite colour: Yellow and Black. I'm colour blind, but I can tell those apart.
F - Favourite Band: The Fall. Wedding Present. Notsensibles.

G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Sherbert fountain

H - Hair colour: A fair amount, thanks
H - Height: 6ft 3 1/2 inches. 1.94 m if you've gone decimal.
H - Happy: Not today. Today sucked big time.

I - Instrument: Voice ("Sit down small boy!")
I - Idol: Tommy Marshall (Bury FC groundsman a long time ago)

J - Jewellery: After today,I'm thinking of getting my head pierced.
J - Job: Advanced Skills Teacher (Learning and Teaching / English)
J - Jail: Gaol. Old skool English teacher pedant

K - Kids: 3. Need to see two of them before they grow up.

L - Longest car ride: Drove to Lake Garda. Thanks dad. Now piss off.
L - Last kiss: This morning. Gorgeous kisser is 6.
L - Local: Of course. Parochialism rules!
L - Lyrics: "There's something I just got to say...I'd walk a million miles today" comes to mind for some reason. Weddoes: Million Miles

M - Milk flavour: Milk
M - Most missed memory: Maypole dancing
M - Movie last watched: This weekend, History Boys at the cinema (recommended) and Adaptation on DVD (likewise).

N - Number of Siblings: 1 sister and 2 brothers. All younger than me. God help them look for a better role model.
N - Nickname: Nolte

O - One wish: Promotion. The football, obviously. That's banal 4 a reason.
O - One regret: I have more regrets than I can possibly list here, but try very hard not to dwell on them (That was there already. It'll do)

P - Part of your appearance you love: pass
P - Pets: Ding dong the fish is dead. And the hamsters.

Q - Quick or Slow?: Death? Somewehere between please.

R - Reason to smile: Some of Buddy Holly, the working folly, good golly Miss Molly. Nanny Goats. Curing Smallpox.
R - Reality TV Show: Deal or No Deal. And don't say it isn't.

S - Song Last Heard: My DAB radio has arrived! "You aint seen nothing yet" (Bachmann Turner Overdrive)
S - Silver or Gold: Silver

T - Time you woke up: 6:50 am
T - Time for bed: midnight if possible
T - Ticklish: Yep

U - Unpredictable: Finsbury Park Tube Station.
U - Underwear: Comfortable pants and brand new socks.
Life's little luxuries.

V - Vegetable you hate: Don't hate vegetables; there are plenty of better candidates.
V - Vacation spot: Rocky Mountains please.

W- Worst habit: Not talking about it. Or talking about it too much.
W- Where are you going to travel: Scotland

X - X-Ray: Spex. Some people say little girls should be seen and not heard, but I say: "Oh Bondage up Yours!"

Y - Yellow: Belly

Z - Zodiac Sign: Sagitprop

"Is this car anything to do with you? Only I can't move my BM."

No. Feck off. Come back when you can try again, using the word "car" instead of bragging about your pathetic little status symbol. Goodbye.

Just been watching the invision score updates on BBC1.

Newcastle 5: 15 Charlton

As Ray Stubbs says, "plenty of time for those scores to change," but I think this twenty goal thriller has to spell the end for Newcastle manager Glyn Roeder.

Or is it Glen?

Oh who cares?

Notts County 0-1 Bury
Bishop 31 Come on you whites!!!!

And where's my belt?
Why is NOTHING where you put it in this house????!!!!

Fire station blaze 'embarrassing'

Firefighters from neighbouring stations fought the Arundel blaze
A fire chief has told of his embarrassment after a station without a smoke alarm went up in flames.
The building and fire engine were destroyed in the blaze at Arundel Fire Station, and more than 20 properties nearby were evacuated as a precaution.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/southern_counties/6086830.stm

Quite enjoyed staying in bed til 10 watching American sitcoms and searching for consumer electronics.
But now I'm contemplating buying some while watching Anastasia.

Not good. Am I ill? Am I depressed? Have I caught lazeefeckeritis?

Cus nobody wants to know about the tedious nuances of your day, do they? Nobody gives a shit really. Can I have one of those memes to fill in. Or tackle a nerd test. Or design a meez. Or copy on an email attachment. Or recycle an old joke.

Speaking of which, police report that a man is loose in Glasgow with a wellie on his knob. THey advise you not to worry - he's just fuckin' aboot.

My brother sent me that. I wished he'd told me the name of his first crush as well.

We've just done a retest on sixpence. Hopelessly cool I'm afraid!

If you got the reference in the title then, frankly, you're me. I think it's a track from a double album by Mark Almond produced before Marc almond was born. But stick with this - it's good stuff.
It's the story our heroes who left as boys and ended up as men at the circus.

We quit the house as early as we could so Six could get stuff done. That was still afternoon though. I was hanging around til 11 in the vain hope that when daughter said she might come round before 11 she actually meant it, and by then Miladdo was asleep so it was probably one o'clock before we left. Spent an hour in the local park, where the boy tried to impress the locals - but at only 2 and 1/4 he's not really old enough for hide and seek, and standing at the top of the slide shouting "17 18 Not!" only impressed me. He'll do you the days of the week too, you know, just you ask him.
I must have been text pestering the daughter cus I eventually I got the message: "nothings rong just stop bovverin me."
From now on she's on her own. But I digress...

From thence we went to Vicky park to consume the excellent repast lovingly prepared for us. We'd nearly finished before I noticed we were in full scale drunken dribbler territory and the next bench's dinner was Stella and Tennents Super, so we edged towards the park.

From thence we only really stumbled on the circus when boyo kicked his little mermaid ball under one of their trailers, and I was only really being nosey when I sidled up to the box office they have rigged up there.

But then, in a bizarre mirror of Saturday's Fast Food/Entertainment Combo I was given a FREE Grandstand ticket worth £20! I combined this with a half-price deal on the £14 it normally costs you for a youth who's turned two, and it the time it takes to run back to the car, move it to a longstay carpark and run back to the big top, we were in.

Commercial Break
I've long been aware that Grimsby Fisheries is the best chip shop in the city - but it's dawning on me that it's probabbly the best chip shop in the world. I'm not swayed at all by the fact that the free ticket I got was given to them as thanks for displaying a poster, and given to me to reward me for my efforts on Saturday!
Gorgeous white flakes of cod; crispy deep fried chips; delicate aromas of curried sauces; pickled eggs...

I used to have a record that every circus visit I'd ever had would result in an appearance in the ring. Twice this meant an encounter with the legendary Charlie Cairoli. Now I know you can't be bothered clicking on links, but give that one a try. He was a genius!

The encounter that sticks in my mind involved some stage action of the "He's behind you!" variety and my first meeting with a woman. And fishnet stockings. That vision of womanhood that was the leggy, busty dancer who bent down to kiss me after I had completed my "He's behind you!" duties will stick with me long after I've forgotten the names of my children (let's face it, they're getting a bit hazy already), my football team and myself. And if so I'll die with a smile on my face. But I digress once more.

The last time I was at a circus proper was in Haslingden. I was 17 and I took my sister, and I was riding a horse round the ring briefly, before sailing into big top on the end of a rope. I don't think they'd allow shennanigans like that in this day and age. After that nothing bar the ocasional circus palaver at Butlins, and that doesn't count. And i haven't been since partly because my eldest youth wrote an angry letter when he was 12 to the local newspaper about how bad it was to have animals in the circus, and all I could think of this afternoon was "What this circus needs is a few animals!"

I was almost on my feet when Hercules (real name Andrei Liftalotovich) wanted a volunteer to test his weights, but with the state of my back it's probably best I didn't. I clapped loudly though, especially when he was run over by a 4x4, cus I thought he might get angry if I didn't.

The circus (The Moscow State Circus, no less)was pretty good. The programme (no of course I didn't BUY it) bemoaned the decline of the circus in the post communist world, but I have to say that it's a savage inditement of the effects of communism that under Communism even Russian Clowns appear funny. Sorry Foma and Otherone, but you failed even to distract us from the guys setting uip the nets for the next act.

Anyway after that we had another kick around in the park, when to Queens Road for some money and an A-Z, then to Thurnby Lodge to pick up an Ebay vcr (15 quid, but don't tell Six about the videos they threw in with it) then home, catching Six on the way to her big do (hope she survived!) before bathing baby, doing some hoovering, tidying and stuff and putting hobbit to bed. I'm going to play with new vcr now, If you've got this far, thanks for your patience. I feel a very tedious fellow tonight.

PS Try this at home. Write down numbers 1-300 on a sheet of paper and tell me how many mistakes you make. You'd think it'd be none wouldn't you, even with a toddler kicking you. Let me know.

PS I want to put on record now how wonderful that kid is. I love him to bits. That's all.

He's been talking about the Wee Wee Duck all day.
I tried to find a picture on the interweb, but this was all they had.

Tracked down Bxxx eventually in the bar of The Belmont Hotel.
Had some drinks with him, Mxxx his wife from over there, Jxxx his son from over here, Axxxxxx his nephew and Kxxx his betrothed. And of course Sxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

When the need for food became even more pressing than Bxxxx's need to drink English beer, we staggered out to the first of several curry houses in the vicinity. Reservations only. Moving just a little down market, we were told of a 20 minute wait, and by the time I returned from the cashpoint we were going downmarket again.

To the place that used to be The Ganges.
Where:
* Prop. Mr Butt was frequently drunk
* You could drink into the morning when everywhere else was shut
* They sold cans of Breaker lager
* There was a dance floor and games machines
* Stxxx Smxxx lost his glasses
* I left a copy of "The Diceman" to the next man
* We watched the famous 1985 Dennis Taylor snooker final
* We wondered if any of us had a future

And this was before the lanky 21 yr old with a lip ring munching naan bread opposite me WAS EVEN BORN!

I'm honestly not the sort of bloke who scores free tickets to football matches, but yesterday I scored three tickets to a football match. I was rather hoping these would cause my older children to fall in love with me again, but one turned me down immediately and the other after an agonising 18 hour wait.

I tried to text Six to come with me, but she had her mobile turned off and had in any case a much more exciting trip to a county bookshop in her plans.

I tried the local hotel where "Bestmateknownhimforyonks" was supposed to be staying on his one night of the year over from Houston TX but the reception desk denied all knowledge of his existence.

Now I'm not averse to going down the footie on my own (I preferred it that way when I was a nipper - now there's a note on the ticket stating that those under 14 aren't allowed in without an accompanying adult) but I don't like seeing free tickets go to waste. So with the time passing two o'clock I resolved to give them away.

I nipped into the QueensRd Oxfam (stopping briefly to buy a Sultans of Ping CD and a Dilbert cartoon book in a South East Asian language I don't understand, for reasons I don't fully understand) but there were no takers there.

I popped into the Loros bookstore but those folk were "too busy" or "not interested."

I walked into the Clarendon but they were watching the tail end of Wigan/Man City and I didn't like the look of any of them.

I took to my car with visions of walking up to the miserable looking spectators at the park games, with an offer to swap a crowd of 7 for one of 20,000 and a free lift down to the ground - but I couldn't find anywhere to park.

With time moving on, I went down to the Stadium. Huge queue outside but they had "paid for theirs already" or "picking mine up" or "got 'em on the internet" so I circumnavigated the stadium looking for anyone who wasn't hurrying through the pouring rain to get to their seat, but everybody was.

In the end I left 'em on the counter of a burger van in the vain hope that someone would pick them up.

Twenty minutes in, a lone figure hauled himself up the long flight of stairs to row MM and sat down next to me.

The Asiatic guy who I'd last seen flipping burgers in his van. He turns up every other Saturday, but doesn't ever get to see the game.

Back of the net!

Finished 1 each - bringing back memories of this:

Alcohol had been consumed.
It was the only root vegetable I could imagine.

...is 75% water.

Even after weeks after exhausting labours, our hero found the strength for one final effort. With every muscle aching after the trials of Fivesde, he struggled to his feet once more and mounted the staircase of doom.

Each step brought more pain to his tortured frame, but eventually the brave, heroic figure made it to the chamber of Ktchn.

After a long search, he discovered the Casket of Dcff. The moment of truth was approaching. The quest that had lost him so many friends was almost at an end. With a superhuman effort which drew on the last vestiges of his strength, which even now was ebbing away, he grasped the casket in both hands and steeled himself for one final effort.

With a great roar of pain and effort, he finally screwed the lid between his rippling, muscular forearms and...with his heart bursting with trepidation...finally opened the casket...

Well, six couldn't do it!

Apparently black text on a white background is not the ideal combination for 40% of the population. With this in mind, I played around with various combinations on my Interactive Whiteboard this morning with a class- including bright yellow. Which I immediately regretted. And later, while the class was laughing uproariously at one of my hilarious jokes, I tossed my head back in amusement and struck it firmly on the corner of a metal filing cabinet.

THAT'S why.

PS Awkward Staffroom Conversations - #21 in a cut-out-and-keep series:I don't have to share this with you, guys, but I had a dream about you last night, Gareth - apparently I called out your name.

Responses:
1)What happened, for gord's sake?
2)How did you call out my name? In a conversational tone? At the top of your voice? In a way suffused with longing and desire?
3)Clothed?Please tell me clothed.

...I can't explain hooowwww I feel.
Big love to Cris Difford and Glen Tilbrook, wherever they are!

I think you're supposed to do this sober.

http://www.meez.com/main.dm#nogo

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/54115
LONDON—Analysts are predicting that the $3 billion Sir Richard Branson has pledged for developing energy sources to combat global warming, could come close to matching the amount the entrepreneur, adventurer, and Virgin CEO has already spent on elaborate balloon-based excursions.

Branson also reportedly plans to invest billions more on a time machine that would enable him to prevent the creation of Virgin Airways, reducing greenhouse-gas emissions by some four percent worldwide.
I can't make my own stuff up on account of a two hour stretch writing haiku with 10 year olds (which was great cus they so loved me) and then watching Champions league with 2 pints of Guinness and a whisky chaser. I'm now upstairs with The Fratellis and a bottle of whisky while the popets firtle about downstairs.
Popets is a typo for poets that I can't be troubled to correct.
I'll probably regret this in the morning in about twenty minutes.

Apparently Madge is going to save little David, the starving little brown boy she wanted to adopt, from a life of grinding hardship and emotional deprivation - she's going to send him back to Malawi.

Seriously, though - would you want to live with her?
Lots of reports about what a good mother she is; doesn't anybody else remember her producing a coffee table book of intimate shots of her minge? That's not the kind of judgement I'd want in a parent.

"This is your new daddy. He makes films about cockney geezers shooting each other."

Biff, the person I first saw scrawling "Not Much" across the cover of her 7 inch single (remember them?) is coming back to Blightly at the weekend. If we can make it that far. I'm off to sort out the domestic:
http://sixpence.blog.co.uk/2006/10/18/fecked_off~1233949

They are legion - that is, the reasons why I shouldn't be posting AT ALL. Let alone NOW. Let alone THIS!

Anyway, if you want to see the "gerbil"'s dragster accident, here it is:
http://www.dragstercrash.com/

interviewing toiletries to see if they are shit.

Honestly, isn't that what this says? This is Shane* writing about his sister.
I stared at the toiletries* word for a good ten seconds before I could decode it; the other one took me about ten minutes*!
There must be an easier way of making my first million!
See below if you're still stuck!

* Names changed to protect a lot of things
* volunteers
* suitable

* Write a cheque for an unseasonable amount of money
* Mark 60 biographies and do 3 years of filing
* Pick my youngest up for the day
* Play racing cars with the wonderful Sixpence

That looks like a good day to me.
And the candle magic worked in a way I'm not allowed to explain!

Saw this book at work and sobbed a bit, because I am.

Mission One: As part of the money side of the split up, I had to close down a 30 day ISA today. For the record, today was the first day I could do it on account of them only having a branch in the city and me not being able to go to the city during the week on account of working somewhere else. And even today I nearly didn't make it.

A phone call at 11:30 established what I'd already begun to suspect - they close at 12. The nearest car park was shut and so I had to pretend to be picking something up from Argos, sprint like a maniac and force my foot in the door as the guy was trying to lock it. So, mission one accomplished.

Mission two was to restore myself to something approaching human, so I shifted the motor to Lee Circle (90p for every 20 minutes!!) and found that the sports shop underneath it is now an Everything's Crap a Pound type shop with it's own homemade cafe. They gave me a free coffee if I bought something in the store, so I did: Two tape measures (97p), a spirit level (97p), some candles (97p - see above) and more tat. I'm assuming a zero readership for this post, by the way, as "Items I bought for a pound" aint exactly Pulitzer Prize winning stuff is it?

Mission three was, ironically enough, to pick something up from Argos - a microwave, as it happens. This was a new mission or I would have done it earlier, obviously. I think I drove past a No Entry sign in my quest to find the Argos carpark, then went past it and nobody allowed me to reverse, so I had to go round the city thrice and ended up in their loading only bit, which lead to grief with a parking warden and a panicky shop in which I assumed I'd bought the wrong model and ended upp at home in a desperatly confused heap.

Mission Four: To assemble a shoe rack (28 screws) and set up the microwave on the asinine wall mountings in our poky kitchen. Then to stick the "Pierce potatoes or they'll blow up your house" sticky on the nearest arse, which kept me amused for ten minutes. And now to blog, perhaps to comment on Bogblog, to watch the Macedonia game, to plough through the marking.

Highlight of the day: I've wanted a Subaru Impreza since I first played Gran Turismo with my son (see "missing") so today I bought one. While waiting in the queue at Argos. For a fiver. Remote Control. Highly recommended. Now if I only I had someone to play with it with.

I'm fed up to the back teeth now.

http://www.melbs.org/projects/fridge/index.cgi

My excuse - and I feel I need one - is that I've had a long day in a long week. Last night I was out teaching until 9:30, and take it from me: if you're going to be out on a Tuesday night, you'll want to be spending it on something more rewarding than teaching, like drinking Special Brew on the swings or something. Tonight I've had a long day and followed it with a Parents' Evening of the "How do YOU think she's doing please god let me think of something original to say and if not let me remember what I said to the last parent so I can modify it as appropriate" variety. And now I'm banished upstairs while a coven* of poets is gathered in the living room. It's not entirely unpleasant (I've got headphones and The Primitives, for example) but it's not really conducive to creativity - so instead I'll tell you a story and dedicate it to "guess who, can you guess, go on have a bleedin good guess."

PS If you want to know the correct term for a gathering of poets, see the discussion here:
http://www.cordite.org.au/blog/?p=99
Female Compassion
A man was lying on a blanket at the beach; he had no arms or legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said " Have you ever had a hug?"
The man said "No", so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?".
The man said "No", so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman walked over to him, knelt down and whispered in his ear,
"Have you ever been F****d?"
The fellow looked up in amazement and said "No"
The woman smiled and said, "You will be when the tide comes in."