Wanna know a secret?

Updated for you.

I think I might have caught head flu.

God is to be prosecuted under the Equal Opportunities Act.
Apparently the practice of only allowing good people into the Kingdom of Heaven discriminates against ordinary law-unabiding citizens.And it's Sinist.
St Peter has admitted two specimen counts of turning away wrongdoers,and asked for 128 million other crimes to be taken into consideration.
The Devil claims to be fully compliant with all aspects of the new legislation, and is offering bed and breakfast accommodation in hell to everyone,irrespective of class, ethinicity, religion or the number of murders committed.

* It's Madness. The Group, not the "It's PC gone mad."
I talked to God about the homosexuality thing and He made His position quite clear - He's not really bothered either way.

Littlun: I want toast!
Me: Please! Brown or white?
Littlun: Blue

Still not asleep.
*sigh*

At least I've turned off...
Text "Pull" to...
Text "Bird" to...
Phone now and win...
...the fuggin tv.

*sigh*

Three OAPs on Blackpool Pier:

1: Isn't it windy?
2: No, dear, Thursday.
3: So am I! Let's have a cup of tea!

A sudden gust sweeps all three into the north sea.

Enter R Hauer, holding pint of Guinness.

RH: Windy, isn't it?

Enter traffic warden, tapping keys of parkingfine maker.

TW: at...

RH: Sorry?

TH: At no time will I listen to their excuses. This minibus must have a parking ticket from my parkingfine maker *2.

And so to bed - not having slept for days. To sleep. Perchance to dream. Ah, there's the rub...

*1 Note the unity of these Hamlet puns and references.
I'm such a knob.

*2 A crude reference to the ticket I just got. CD for daughter. No one at home so kept at sorting office, where there are bigroadworks and no parking. Big windtunnel - I couldn't stand up, let alone argue.
So expensive, delayed xmas present for you darling. Enjoy.

How about you?
Also overworked, underpaid and on my own.

I'm still in bed at 10-30am on Saturday. That might be you, but it's not really me.

I have three kids remember. Though none of them are here).

This is because I played 5 a side football yesterday, and I stretched for an impossible ball (too competitive; too old; on a hat-trick).

Something went TWANG and I've been in pain ever since.

It made cycling home interesting.

If you're interested (and why would you be) it's in the back of my right thigh; for some reason the word "ganglia" springs to mind.

So I'm following Mark Ellen's advice and trawling YouTube for music.
Unlike the rest of the world, I've never posted a clip before so this probably won't work, which would be appropriate as it's Otway.

That's me for the day, I think. Enjoy yours. And if you've had to work Saturday, like Sixy, you have my sympathy. Snigger.

Well, then. An unexpectedly spare 20 minutes. Should I?
a) Do something useful, or
b) Write this drivel.
Can you see where this is going?

Points: Your subscription to Blog Abo Pro has been cancelled
mokono blog pro Gb are not talking to Paypal, and neither of them are talking to you. Perhaps the break will do me good.
I was sure this shirt was blue when I put it on this morning. But it was dark.
You must must must be in briefing this morning, to ask everybody some questions. It starts soon. You have not yet dropped off your child at Nursery. What do you do?
Take him to briefing with you, let him be cute as a button to the assembled, then walk him round to nursery through a bog, getting covered in sh1te, while Lols does registration.
First thing he said to me this morning was "I want an egg!" And he meant "to play with" not to eat.
Bus melon is Welsh for yellow bus. He's probably playing with it now.

Work, then.

I love this stuff and my lunch break has just finished....

Well the bum who is a regular at my store did buy beer. And his speach sucked! I found this gem about him using mucus as a personal lubricant.
When in the can you want amusing statements written about.
Well the bum who is a regular at my store did buy beer. Hottest thing on Internet since Bizwarcho!
If I post the game you will understand. To my amusement this is sooo wrong. In het model dat het CPB voorstelt, wordt dit bedrag gehalveerd.
I think it's on Sundays on fox?
All together this a great game, enjoy.
Many of the ingredients - scallops, lamb, even pancakes, cotton candy, and peanut butter and jelly - may be familiar, but their forms are decidedly not.
Am i running out of time?
So if you have a kick ass troop he gains upgrades. Activision has announced some new exclusive downloadable content for Guitar Hero II on Xbox Live Marketplace. You now need to lay siege to a town before attacking. " He says that every good cook should have several kinds of olive oil on hand, much as they have several kinds of vinegar or cheese.
can you think of any woman who's career is just as strong now as it was before she had a baby?
The pic on Go Fug Yourself shows a bloated, ugly, greasy looking man in a pink shirt, with massive eyebrows and dead-looking eyes.
Or celebrity gossip, for that matter? It seemed to work out.
Oh and there should be some kind of washroom graffiti code.
it has me hypnotized.
The wireless service will be offered by Cingular.
Not that reading it matters much.
"I like to think of it as being one of the X-Men: You can have superpowers at your fingertips.
"We zijn toch geen provincie van Europa.

Congratulations and Celebrations
But heaven knows I'm miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
But heaven knows I'm Ding Dinge Dong

In my life
Why do I give valuable time
To people who don't care if I Diggi Loo-Diggi Ley?

Two lovers entwined Ne Partez Pas Sans Moi
And heaven knows I'm miserable now

I was looking for a job, and then I found a job
And heaven knows I'm Ein Bisschen Frieden

And if a double-decker bus
Crashes into us
What's Another Year?
Is such a heavenly way to die
And if a ten-ton truck
Kills the both of us
All Kinds Of Everything
To die by your side
Well, the pleasure - Poupee De Cire, Poupee De Son

Morrissey in talks for Eurovision

Morrissey's hits include Girlfriend in a Coma and Suedehead

Morrissey performing
Former Smiths singer Morrissey could represent the UK at the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest, the BBC has confirmed.
The Mancunian musician first expressed an interest in taking part after Daz Sampson's song, Teenage Life, came fifth from last in the 2006 contest.

"I was horrified but not surprised to see the UK fail," he said. "Why didn't they ask me?"

I need to clear some stuff out of my head.
My father and my mother and my sister:
I'm a bloke. I'm really crap at emotions and feelings and stuff. I have an uncanny knack of not saying the right thing, of saying the wrong thing. I can generally say something witty - or at least, something that I think is witty but despite having read some deep books I'm pretty shallow. I still follow the local football team, even though I left over twenty years ago. That's just childish, but it always gave me something to talk about with me dad. He first started taking me to pne when i was little; then he made the mistake of taking me to see pne at Bury - the sun shone, the crowds, bury won 2 nil and he lost me. But we could always talk about it, and he would send me the back pages of the bury times and we'd talk footabll nonsense over the phone so we wouldn't have to talk about anything else. And when me mum started dying, we needed that.

Now he wont go - the seats are too cold, and he's all grouse about it, even with Tom Finney's glorious lilywhites seemingly on the threshold of the Premiership. Just not bothered. And look, this isn't about football, so let's not worry about that.

I was saying. Emotions. Fact is, when my mum started slowly dying, I didn't no what the hell to do with myself. Or about it. So I rang when I could and...you know. My sister practically packed in her job, gave herself up to the 24 hour care thing and coped with the raw, stupid masculine emotion of the three blokes that WERE in the house and generally made a fair play for sainthood. And it nearly broke her, you know, and how she recovered and got herself married three months later without her mother to guide her I don't know either. But I suspect that she's only just recovering, if she is, and the fact that she's cut herself off into married life, well - fair play to her; she needs to be a Mrs and recover herself. No rancour.

I don't know what to say about my mother. Everyone loves their mother, right? While I've stopped short of having "Mum" tattoed into my knuckles, I'm no exception. She didn't ever really tell me what to do. So I've always made my own decisions, and lived by them. Are you reading this, Ms "I'm bet you're glad your mum died"?

And she let me take risks. When I was 17 I decided I was going to walk the Pennine Way, after I saw John Noakes doing it with Shep on afternoon telly. (At least he looked like he did it. I've not felt the same about Noakes and Blue Peter since I found out that the first Petra died after one episode, and they quietly replaced her and hoped that no-one would notice. TV is all lies aint it?)

So I just went, and it was a great experience, I walked with three firemen from Batley mostly, but I would have been stuffed without the twenty quid she sent "Post Restante" to, I think, Appleby Post Office. I digress.

My father. You know how my blog is sometimes really obtuse and gnomic (ask Juzzzy!) and too dense to understand. That's because I have really twisted thought processes. and that's the fault of me dad.

Let me illustrate. This is how he met the woman who became his "social partner" and seems now to be progressing into something else (eg they are going on holiday together). And don't get mde wroing - he's entitled to be happy same as anyone else. But this is how they got together:

He was dealing with some post funeral business in Bolton. He was dealing with a bloke called Justin. He asked (JUST OUT OF CURIOUSITY!!!) what the bloke's second name was. Then he RANG UP THE ONLY OTHER PERSON HE KNEW WHO SHARED THE SAME SURNAME to tell her about this coincidence. And while he was there, he asked her if she fancied a drink.

CAN YOU PLEASE SHOW ME ONE OTHER PERSON ON THE PLANET who would have acted in the same way? And now he spent the anniversary of his wife's death txting her like a lovestruck puppy. Not that lovestruck puppies can type.

Time to fookin stop, I think.

Next!

I need to clear some stuff out of my head.

My former partner: I'm not sure where to go with her. I'm clearly not flavour of the month, hence her "You are such a selfish bastard I bet you were glad your mother died then you could leave me" text of the other day. I can see that to any rational person, that looks nasty. Tonight I was trying to be helpful: she was at a parents' evening for my daughter, one that I couldn't attend on account of a) I was looking after littlun and b) by virtue of not standing up in church to say I promise to love you forever, but then staying for twenty years, I'm not allowed. If I'd promised to love her forever and then fecked off after a couple of years, I WOULD have those rights. There's a reason why that's the case, but I can never quite remember what it is.

Any road, when i picked him up I had not one word from her, which at least stopped me saying "Keep my dead one year and one day mother out of this, please." Fact of the matter is I hadn't even remotely considered leaving you this time last year, nor was it much of a plan when I accidently met Six in March, nor was it an idea when I e:mailed her from time to time. But once I'd become interested I started looking at what I'd got: half share in a great house, three fantastic kids and a partner who was, truth be told, more interested in Upvc windows and recarpeting the hallway than in me. And when I started making my unhappiness manifest, I didn't get the help I needed - I got taken to a tiling shop. And love means checking the other person is ok, and you didn't, and I really wanted you to, and I didn't want to keep doing extra work so we could keep going on holiday every spare minute we had. I wanted a conversation. And I didn't get it. Yes, family life is busy. But I'm not just another person to do jobs and empty the bins. I'm a person.

Yet I can't hate her. We are what we are and she's not a bad woman; she's not, to my almost certain knowledge, cheated on me, she's always been right with the kids, she kept things on an even keel - but I kept looking and she didn't love me, despite what she said when I was leaving. And now she thinks it would "have been better if [you] had died" and tonight slammed the door in my face, barking "leave us alone"

This was because I sent her a text saying "I'll keep him til I hear from you" as I didn't know what time she would be finishing my daughter's parents evening. So I got a "Where the hell is he?" phone call 5 minutes after the time I usually return him, and when I took him round he was welcomed like he'd been kidnapped by international terrorists for a month.

And I need to have some serious bloody conversations with her, and I don't even know where to start.
Next!

Teddy is in the snug. With someone else a professional shopper with long legs and a lot / not much up top.
Sorry Danielle!

I have so much stuff to write: about my brother (gone to Peru http://www.gontour07.blog.co.uk/ )or my other brother ( gone to Albania) or my sister (still in Blackpool; soon to be made a saint) or my mother (died yesterday one year ago http://morelearning.blog.co.uk/2006/01/07/tempus_fuckit~449939)
or my father (texting like a lovestruck teenager)or sixpence (blooming marvellous http://www.sixpence.blog.co.uk/ ) or my ex (you are such a selfish bastard ...I bet you're glad you're mum died then you could leave me...) ...but I aint got no time for any of that stuff, he shouted double negatively.

January 4, 2006
I’ve been tagged by Juzzzy, who is currently hurtling towards the ground very speedily, I think.

I have had to answer the five questions and then tag five other people, who must then do the same…

1. I am... in bed.
2. I will... get up eventually.
3. I want... a cup of coffee.
4. I see...dead people.For miles. Sexy Sixy. DC. A wardrobe.Your problem. I don't bloody know.
5. I need...help.

This was going to be so amusing and entertaining, but I've already wasted time generating a random love poem that resolutely refused to come off the web, and then looking for song lyrics that don't exist. So this will have to do. Sorry.

Six says I'll struggle to find 5 people who havem't done this - but I like a challenge!
I tag:
lee954
deadheaduk
crowpied
studentteacher83
Little_Monkey
Lolster

That should cover it!

"I've been in a band since I was 15"
"How old are you now?"

15?

Rock and Roll!

Where else, you ask, can England's game be seen
Rooted so deep as on the village green?
Here, in the slum, where doubtful sunlight falls,
To gild three stumps chalked on decaying walls.

G R Hamilton

Oi! Flintoff! I'm talking to you! Let's see some PRIDE.

How rock and roll?
First words on entering the house: funking winkers (or somesuch)
Second words(in showbiz recognition) : Hello Leo!

Twit.

Posted at 9:12pm, before the bandwagon gets here.

* go on - name that band!

If in doubt, talk football. No matter how serious life is. Sorry. Just posted this elsewhere and you might as well have it as well.

I live in the East Midlands. Last Saturday I txtd my father when I heard about the Accy Stanley game being called off at half-time due to a waterlogged pitch, asking him to speculate about the prospects for a new year's day game. But I still went up for it, and it was going to be the first visit to Stade de Gigg for 6p AND half-pint -and we didn't find out about the cancellation until we were trying to park at 2:30. The triumph of hope over expectation - the story of being a Bury fan!
I know this doesn't help any, but the same thing happened to me last year when the 9 inch strip of grass under the stand didn't thaw, and as an exile who doesn't get to go every other week it's frustrating to say the least.

Thanks for the loan of the photie Charlie Hewson!
http://flickr.com/photos/11156876@N00/76532233/