....Evil Edna?

....
but I wouldn't want you to miss out.
So see this as the online equivalent of a knock on the door and an offer of a lift down to the polling station.
Initial EXIT polls suggest a Monster-Raving Loony category total of votes for yours truly...the lowest in a General Election is 1, and if I can beat that I'll be happy.
Voting closes Wednesday night if I'm not very much mistaken. Though I usually am.

Best Male Blogger
Juzzzy - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/juzzzy
JakeTaylor - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/jaketaylor
BlogLikesIt - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/bloglikesit
AJNSpencer - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/ajnspencer
MoreLearning - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/morelearning
Moltsplace - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/moltsplace
CJ592 - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/cj592

...is a man called Mr Brain.

Paxman: East Anglia Brain?

Also- Just watched fantastic Wainwright programme. You missed it!
And - Six has gone out and I'm alone with an Xbox and a Southern Comfort substitute from Aldi. So the interesting blog I was gonna do will have to wait.

Cheer up everybody!

I feel like I've been hit by a train, but it's just the after effcts of falling asleep about 9pm watching The Big Lebowski, waking up wide awake at 3 in the morning (Possibly because of the woman with her subconscious too near the surface shouting "help me! help me!"), getting up and playing on my new xbox...

...I know. I'm a grown man in his forties. But I miss playing on the PS2 with my eldest, so I bought it off ebay from a nice young lad in the posh Stoughton houses for £40 and its ace. He'd upgraded to a 360, naturally, but I remember when you had to wait 30 minutes before a screeching cassette tape loaded up a stick man hitting a large square very slowly, so I'm easily pleased.....

.....and then being coaxed back to bed by sexysixy who hadn't finished dreaming at me, reading School Friend Annual 1956 for reasons that need not detain us here and then ...it must have been about 5.30 am...being hit by a train.

Or is it just because I played football last night?

Anywaywhat I'm trying to say is that I've nothing to say, so Here's more marking fun and some lame jokes from my brother....

> So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he
> went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got
> china in my hand."
>
> You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.
>
> I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
>
> I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet
> 'Best Before End'.
>
> So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."
>
> I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"
>
> So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
>
> I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
>
> My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
>
> I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."
>
> So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
>
> I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
>
> I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
>
> My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."
>
> So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
> said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."
>
> This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
>
> So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of
terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
>
> So I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
> "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."
>
> So I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."
>
> I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
>
> So this cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
>
> So I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
>
> So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
> Queen on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.
>
> I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
>
> I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny you couldn't
> swing a cat in there.
>
> I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
>
> I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
>
> I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."
>
> So I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
> Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman Forever?"
> He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My brain is piecing together some disparate bits of information-
 A note on my desk – “sorry the place is still a mess, but my hoover packer up” – from the 17yr old lass we employ to clean the place
 My Smartboard refuses to function – oh no is it broken?
 The digital projector is not in its proper place. There is no lock on its proper place. Head of Department, who teaches in the room where is kept, says “oh.” It is worth more than a grand.
 I borrow a digital projector from resources. It doesn’t work.
 I test various combinations of sockets, power cables, extension leads and button presses. I have 26 people eager to be schooled in the ways of parliamentary democracy lounging about, looking dead bored, but not yet rioting.
 The computer in the office isn’t on. Neither is the printer.
My brain clicks.
My brain whirrs.
An antique hoover is responsible for short-circuiting the entire room and beyond.

I eventually run an extension lead across a busy corridor into my room, where the students enjoy a role play about Old Sarum, a brief history of rotten boroughs and a PowerPoint presentation about the suffragettes conducted entirely in purple.

I no longer care.

That would be me!
It was what we teaching types call a rhetorical question.

I was about to moan about the editing box, but it seems to have sorted itself out.

Instead, then, I defy you not to laugh at this. It arrived in my inbox this morning. Thanks Paula.

It is 7.45 on Sunday Morning.
I am reading a story to my wee boy.

"When the new baby came to Tom's house, the teddy bears started coming."

Me: Do you like babies?
Hime: No. I like polar bears.

Glad we cleared that one up.

http://leicesterstationclockwebcam.blog.co.uk/

In a fit of righteous indignation about Leicester Station Clock yesterday I created a "Live Webcam" to show the lack of progress on fixing some hands to it.

Then I sent a link to the local paper.

Who then decided they wanted to run a story on it.

So I had a not very well sixpence waiting around outside for a photographer, who didn't turn up - on the not unreasonable basis that it was dark and photos don't work too good in the dark.

Please follow the link above and leave a comment about how silly the clock looks...and how it's been a year...and how it would shame our ancestors...and our city...and stuff like that.
I appreciate it.

http://leicesterstationclockwebcam.blog.co.uk/

Today I have done nothing. Not a thing.
It's been good for me.

Your mum..she was quite young when she died, yes?

Yes..but she was young in herself, wasn't she?

I'll have to stop eventually

Now...I'm getting the word NONCE.

It is 5:05 am.
I have alcohol within reach, but I am not drinking it.
"There is a HORSE in my cabaret suite"

I am crying with laughter.

I am not pulling off a horse.

...Sleep
Macbeth.

It is 3:30 am
I have been awake for one hour and fifteen minutes.

Wake up #1.
Wailing from next room.
Littlun is in a strange bed in a strange room in a strange part of the world: sixpenceland.
I ask anyway:
Me: What's wrong sweetheart?
Him: I cried!

Wake up #2
Wailing from next room.
Him: Slippers off!
Me: Of course, darling. You must be hot with those on in bed.
Him:Slippers off!
Me: Of course, darling. Let me put it back on for you.

Wake up #3
Wailing from...
I prepare bottle of warm milk.
I have forgotten to bring bottle.
So I prepare beaker of warm milk.
He holds it.
Him: It's warm.
Me: Are you going to drink it?
him: No.

Wake up #4
Wailing from this room. He is (was) asleep next to 6d. I am mid blog.
Him: Slippers off!
Me: Hang on darling, I'll find it.
Turns bed over. Finds slipper. Replaces it.
Him: Slippers off now!

3:42
Sixpence is coughing like a consumptive.
Littlun is fast asleep.
I'll keep you posted.

Play here (thanks JD)

PS Remember when you thought England could win stuff at football?

http://www.blog.co.uk/srv/media/media_items.php?album_ID=118969

Just seeing if this link works, folks.
The files names might look the same, but there should be 7 separate files: together they are a segmented version of the first key scene in PowerPoint - for you to highlight, annotate, discuss or ignore as you see fit.
Right click, and Save as.
I hope they are useful.
More will follow if this works.
Thanks for dropping by - feel free to leave a comment.

Bt feckin bleedin soddin bolooxxing broadband.

In other news, I'm wondering why all the other bloggers have cool avatars and I have a picture of a butcher's shop taken from what was my bedroom window when I was twelve.

It's a bit rubbish.

Went to Stratford for the weekend.
Not for the Shakespeare though!
Saturday with an old friend of Sixpence.
Sunday with an old friend of mine.

Last time I saw Gary Caliban (all names changed to protect the guilty) was three years ago, at my fortieth birthday, when were both in long term relationships with two teenage-ish children.

Since then my life has involved a certain amount of upheaval (see my blog for details!).

Since then he has:
* split up from his wife.
* watched her marry a millionaire consultant (she was big in renal medicine).
* left home and bought another house, in what was the granary of an old mill.
* gone to work in the Netherlands for 18 months.
* Met someone else.
* Had a baby daughter, now one.
* Scheduled a marriage for June.
* Become the Managing Director of a Chemicals Company.

He has his n hers Mercs on the drive an travels 150 miles ONE WAY to to the office.
I have my former partner's R reg Ford Escort and cycle to work when I can.

We spent some time comparing notes, which I found enormously heartening because he is further down the road than me. While I have had disputes over contact with the kids, I haven't yet flown home from Holland to be denied contact with them.

At 14 we sat next to each other at school, played in the same football team and got ourselves involved in some nefarious activities, such as electro-plating twopence pieces and trying to pass them off as 10ps in the scrum to get on the buses - which, bearing in mind his current career ("No good will come of this, boys - concentrate on your studies") is hilarious.

He earns - wait for it, boys and girls - 93 thousand of your English pounds every year.

Would I swap?
No thanks.
You know what, I'm a happy man.

Read more!

Sad confessions #53
Listening to Sarah Kennedy in the shower.
(Me in the shower. She in the Radio 2 studio. In case you thought I was in HER shower)
This morning, during the "Showtune" section, she reveals that today is, because of the huge proportion of the population liable to fake illness on accont of it being in the bleak midwinter, National Sickie Day.
I was already up, of course. If only she'd told me when I was still in bed. Curses!
Anyway...
Hi Ho...!

Wolfed down the worst cooked breakfast I think I have ever been responsible for in the general rush to be at Former Abode by the appointed time of 9:30.
When I arrived I had the "we're not ready / we said ten o'clock" treatment, so I needn't have bothered.
To Oldby to do some jobs.

Littlun goes to library.
I try to look at some books.
"Comeback! I get noid!" he complains
Littlun sees pet shop.
"See Animals!"
Inside, he takes of his coat and jacket in a "make yourself at home" kind of way.
He is wearing his pyjama top. That will be my fault for arriving early.

"I like those!"
He is pointing to a tray of meal worm. Think long thin maggots, wriggling - and they make an ideal pet too.

Oldby is an odd place. It has its own branch of M&S Foodstore - outside is a man selling The Big Issue. Inside, littlun shouts "Look! Bread!" and before I know it he has what is locally known as a crusty cob in his gob.

I have to queue to pay 29p for it - while laughing.

I guess he hasn't had any breakfast either!

Stunned by being nominated for a Bloscar but also a bit disappointed by the removal of the best drunken post category.
I was quite proud of my effort, reproduced below; in my inebriated state I hadn't realised that the Meez craze involved getting the thing dressed.

Best Male Blogger
Juzzzy - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/juzzzy
JakeTaylor - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/jaketaylor
BlogLikesIt - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/bloglikesit
AJNSpencer - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/ajnspencer
MoreLearning - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/morelearning
Moltsplace - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/moltsplace
CJ592 - http://www.blog.co.uk/user/cj592

Slightly drunk once again all alone without friends......I can't explain hooowwww I feel.
Big love to Cris Difford and Glen Tilbrook, wherever they are!

I think you're supposed to do this sober.

http://www.meez.com/main.dm#nogo

Friends Only