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Closedown

Fri, 25 May 2007 17:39:18 +0200

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A large parcel arrives...

Wed, 23 May 2007 18:25:41 +0200

...with "LSD" marked very clearly on the outside.

Oh, sorry. I forgot. No jokes.

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The Future is Unwritten*

Mon, 21 May 2007 22:47:31 +0200

I’m inexplicably drawn to the online item 10 simple ways to stop you from messing up your life. (This is during the brief hiatus while I wait for the Search facility on my laptop to find the observation form I need for tomorrow.)

I’m quite drawn to Stop being concerned what the rest of the world says about you. Especially the advice that most people are far too busy thinking about themselves (and worry what you are thinking and saying about them) to be concerned about you.

Equally impressive is Don’t worry about your personality. You don’t really have one.

Time, then, to review.

1) I am completely shattered. The local infirmary at 2am on a Saturday morning is no place for any man, let alone one clutching a pregnant woman with acute pains in her chest and an inability to breathe. I’m worried about her.
2) Just got off the phone with my father, which has forced me review issues like not being able to see my third child on his birthday (despite this being his regular contact day), to go with not seeing my second child on her birthday and not seeing my first child on his. And the fact that I don’t seem to get any recognition for 20 years of my life where I did my best all the time. And the parlous nature of the cup final.
3) Despite relations with former partner being quite grim, I finally got a text offering to chat today – for the first time in 6 months – as long as I rang before 6-30pm. I got the text at 9pm, when I found my phone down the back of the settee.
4) I am being observed at work tomorrow, which I could do without.
5) I have a nasty meeting on Friday, which I could also do without.
6) Stories like this one ( British soldier dies after gun battle in Iraq) just slide past, but it’s another human gone, people.
7) I haven’t spoken to my brother for 6 months. He’s travelling the world. He rang up from Delhi at the weekend while I was out and promised to phone back in 15 minutes.
He didn’t.
8) We can’t afford to live in a proper house.
9) Work was exhausting again. I think I can say that.
10) My car is falling to bits.

That's ten then.

Am I down hearted? No. I’ve just helped 6d make a butter bean salad for her leaving lunch tomorrow, and by Friday she can pack in work and ~~plunge us into further financial trouble~~ relax a bit.
I really enjoyed it.
And now I’m listening to Joe Strummer*, and in my head we’re sitting round a camp fire, and you can’t hurt me. I’m not invincible but what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.

He takes a while to load – but it did me the power of good.
Ok – back to work.

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Genitals like those of donkeys

Wed, 16 May 2007 21:48:27 +0200

Get your t-shirts here.

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Taxing my brain

Tue, 15 May 2007 20:55:38 +0200

Your customer relationship with PayPal
On 2 July 2007, your customer relationship will be automatically transferred from PayPal (Europe) Ltd. to PayPal Luxembourg. This includes your customer relationship as governed by the terms of the PayPal User Agreement and, for applicable UK merchants, the PayPal Website Payments Pro Agreement (collectively, the "Agreements").

To summarise, from 2 July 2007, PayPal (Europe) Ltd. will assign to PayPal Luxembourg all of its right, title, interest, and benefit in and to the Agreements.

Why?
I expect Luxembourg is more central for them.
Or something.
~~Greedy beggars!~~

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Wet pants and no stars

Sun, 13 May 2007 18:48:37 +0200

I'm experimenting with flashbacks.
(You know, like in the ad. Officer training type loosens rope and dullard falls into muddy water. Flashback - one hour earlier, dullard puts dirty boots on dash of car. Can't remember which car, and surely that was the point of the ad..anyway, I digress....)

I am slumped in front of the tv.
There is a warm feeling spreading across my genitals.
My trousers smell of wee.
I am soaked in urine.

Flashback 30 seconds earlier:
"Do you want a wee?"
"No!"
Do you want a wee littlun?"
"No!"
"I think you want a wee wee, don't you?"
"No!"

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Ok I'm not proud...

Sat, 12 May 2007 23:22:43 +0200

...but I have just watched the last hour of Eurovision.
We had 5 votes from gallant little Malta.
Then TWELVE votes from the Irish, and what do they know?
And therefore we didn't finish last.
It was plenty embarrassing though.

We are UK
We are UK
No - one likes us
Cus we suck.

Blair's legacy - all mainland Europe hates us.

And now TOTP2 Eurovision Special and Cliff, Sandie Shaw and the glow of post imperialism.

Scooch, though. Dreadful. The bloody Ukranians had more class.

And i wonder if I'm not a tiny but missed...

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Prayers for the daughter- with pictures

Tue, 08 May 2007 18:31:17 +0200

Many readers will know that I'm often moaning about not seeing enough of my daughter.

However, she lives less than a mile away and, despite my differences with her mother, she is in good, safe hands.
Unlike this girl.

Before arriving here to teach this evening I made a short detour to the next village (Rothley - pronounced Row-thly, newsreaders) and stood for a few moments with some distressed , muted villagers and and lot of media people.

Who, to be fair, looked suitably muted and distressed as well.

We all watched two young girls struggling to light a small candle.
And I think everyone was thinking the same simple thought:

Please let her be safe.

So that's where my thoughts will be tonight.

People in Rothley, the Leicestershire village where the three-year-old lives, will hold a silent vigil in the evening to show their support.

The little girl was abducted from a holiday apartment in Portugal on Thursday.

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Subliminal messages?

Tue, 08 May 2007 16:43:08 +0200

Anyone see the "Conundrum" puzzle in today's Guardian?

Do you think they are trying to tell us something?

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This campaign could have been more successful!

Tue, 08 May 2007 14:01:31 +0200

Can you pin down the fatal flaw?

Stolen from reddit.com

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Beats a toaster I suppose...

Mon, 07 May 2007 18:58:21 +0200

Some time ago I blogged about a rather tasty item on a friend's wedding list.
Since buying him a wedding present has been practically the only thing of any consequence I've achieved today, I thought I would mention what seems to be a recent addition to the list.

In the category "gifts & gizmos" is the following:

Bugatti Veyron 16.4
The Wrapit Ultra Collection

The limited edition Veyron is the fastest production car ever, with 0-62mph in 2.5 seconds, it follows in the footsteps of the legendary Bugatti, those unbeatable racing cars of the 1920s and 1930s which today are among the most sought-after creations from the early days of automobile construction. Both exclusive and highly functional, the interior of the Bugatti Veyron 16.4 is all you can imagine, superb leather, also two-tone if desired, quality metallic trim and beautifully designed and ergonomically laid-out controls characterize the Veyron cockpit. With a top speed of 253 mph it is the perfect run around for a quick nip to Tesco for your teabags. Let’s not forget that an 800,000lb jumbo jet only needs 200mph to get off the ground…

Use your browser back button to return to the list.

Bugatti Veyron 16.4 [PR488824]

£815,000.00 each

Each?! I'll have two!

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How do you fancy...

Mon, 07 May 2007 12:54:44 +0200

...a bit of Spring Cleaning?

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May be trouble ahead: vs Complacency

Sun, 06 May 2007 10:24:12 +0200

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Just bought a bed

Sat, 05 May 2007 18:06:42 +0200

Have you really? How incredibly interesting for the nation.

Actually the guy said we needed a stable one. I thought he was going to fetch out a manger!

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What do you buy...

Sat, 05 May 2007 10:33:04 +0200

...the woman who has everything?
This.

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A wafer thin mint, Mr Creosote?

Fri, 04 May 2007 22:30:17 +0200

Stuffed? Overeaten?
You might find this disturbing!

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Burnt up

Fri, 04 May 2007 19:11:54 +0200

Little Monkey made me laugh!

Hahahahahahah.

There I go again.

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Sexual Intercourse and me

Fri, 04 May 2007 13:57:47 +0200

Now there's a title that promises more than it delivers.
Bear with me.

I am not blogging. No I am not.

But I'm about to organise my cds into some kind of order, for the first time ever. And then I'm going to clean some pigeon shit off the roof of the greenhouse. I've not yet stooped to blogging pictures of random bits of cheese, but I think the moment's not far away. Then I'll chew my own fingers off. Only then will I consider blogging.

Here's another activity to soothe the troubled mind: find out who was born in the same year as you, and then work out if they are doing a better job of things than you are.

In a half-assed attempt to do something with the information, I opened Microsoft Outlook and typed "Born" into my birthdate box. I don't know what I was thinking.

Anyway seconds later I had a pop-up reminder:
"Born: 2266 weeks overdue"

What should I read into this?
I don't know, but I'd better go. The pigeonshit beckons.

Anyway. I'm younger than Hasselhof and look at the state of him.

Sexual intercourse began
In nineteen sixty-three
(which was rather late for me) -
Between the end of the Chatterley ban
And the Beatles' first LP.

Here's my list:
Brad Henry
US politician

Charles Barkley
Basketball player

George Michael
Successful musical artist

Graham Norton
Comedian known for his campness! Voted most annoying man in Britain in a recent poll - suffering from severe over exposure on TV with a tired routine and tired gags

Helen Hunt
Famous actress

Johnny Depp
Famous Hollywood Actor - Chocolat, Sleepy Hollow, Edward Scissorhands, Pirates of the Caribbean and many more

Jose Mourinho
Ultra-confident Chelsea coach

Karl Malone
American athlete, 1963+

Kathy Ireland
Actress

Lisa Kudrow
Dizzy Phoebe in Friends

Michael Jordan
Basketball player

Mike Myers
Famous actor, as in Austin Powers

Mikhail Khodorkovsky
CEO of oil company, Yukos

Nicolette Sheridan
Desperate Housewives actress

Norman Cook
Fatboy Slim - DJ and husband of Zoe Ball

Phoebe Cates
Actress

Quentin Tarantino
Film director, think Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill and...Uma Thurman!

Tori Amos
Piano prodigy at a very young age

Vanessa Williams
Actress

Whitney Houston
Singer and actress

Wanna lolly>?

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Who Votes for a Quick Return?

Thu, 03 May 2007 14:04:30 +0200

Do you remember the days when you cared passionately about politics?

This day, in fact.

Tomorrow.

May 4th Margaret Thatcher becomes first woman Prime Minister in UK (1979)

If you're voting , May the For goodness SAKE I warned you not to do that Star Wars thing!

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A voyage round...

Tue, 01 May 2007 20:14:07 +0200

My first ever blog post was about mi dad (apologies for going all Northern on yer, but 'appen that's what happens I'm in his company) so it's appropriate that this one is too.

Because it's my last.

[For a bit. There are some fantastic people out there, and I'll be thinking of you, but I've been ill and I've got to get a few things sorted and I don't think blogging about those few things is going to help. It doesn't always. And I know lots of you have more to worry about than me. I'll think of you. No histrionics; no disappearance. I'll be here.]

Just before dad left today he was telling me about some of the jobs he?s been doing.

[When I was a nipper he took me to the local churchyard. It was a complete jungle; completely overgrown. He tamed it, while me and my brothers climbed trees and half watched.]

The church has just had its quinquennial report. It's ike an MOT for churches. Dad's dad was an atheist and I've never really heard my father say anything even vaguely on the subject of religion in any of his 71 years, but he does his turn as a sidesman regularly and he DOES STUFF.

Wednesday was half day closing in our village. Dad used to shut the shop and take a flymo round the churchyard. His atheist dad, my granddad, asked him how much he was being paid. "Well you soft bugger!" he said, when he told him. Nowt.

I think doing stuff might be the answer, you know.

[My mother did the Sunday school stint. So did the woman who he now shares his life with. So I'm sorry about Sorry, God]

My father's been quietly working through his mental list of things to do. He didn't need a HSE quinquennial report to tell him what that was .

Apparently he has a 3 foot chisel in the back of his car!
"Yes, officer, I'm readjusting the positioning of some falling masonry at the local church." He'd be telling the truth too.
He's unblocked all the gutters. He's stuck his hand down all the drains.He's mended stuff and moved stuff and tidied stuff up.

A local ~~dignitary~~ face bought 500 bulbs but it was mi dad who planted the buggers.

They came up lovely for her husband's funeral.

Then he pulled out a small brass plaque from his jacket pocket.
Pat Phoenix's husband had a plaque in his memory inside one of the church pews, but the gormless buggers had spelt his name wrong. He?d had one made up to correct the error. Next time he's in , he'll quietly screw it in place.

"Does Pat know about this, dad?"
No. She doesn't

We?ve been moaning about our front door for six months. He'd been here 5 minutes before he had it off its hinges and mended it.

He does things, mi dad.

quinquennial [quinque,five + erm, years + -ial] 1.0ccurring once every five years. 2.Lasting or continuing for five years. (kwin KWEN ee ul)

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May: be pole axed.

Tue, 01 May 2007 12:47:36 +0200

M'aidez! M'aidez! M'aidez!

I think I'll be all Wright though.

See what I did there?

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It's the...

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 14:28:14 +0200

...end of the world as we know it.

And still the words won't come.

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Sorry, God

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 21:30:39 +0200

Religion: The Final Examination

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Road to Recovery, in pictures. Thanks Mark Jenkins.

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 10:22:18 +0200

http://www.xmarkjenkinsx.com//outside.html

Reddit at Reddit

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B logging in

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 17:48:24 +0200

My last blog was all I could manage at 2:30 am, especially as I could not see the keyboard in the dark.

However I am still alive and thank you for your concern.
I don't think I'm really up to stringing too many sentences together, though, so here are Messi and Maradonna head to head for anyone who can bear football. I know that's not many of you. Sorry.

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. mnjkihpiipyhgfiu/gj/hn

Thu, 26 Apr 2007 02:17:13 +0200

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Maintenance work needed.

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 14:27:00 +0200

Blogworld has broken down; hold your horses and we'll be back.

I appear to have broken down as well.

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Spitfire: Don't Mention the Germans

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 10:26:52 +0200

Much More Here:

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By way of explanation

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 10:59:51 +0200

By way of explanation.
The dark is very noisy.
I see, son.

Other random nonsense
Mah-tah-toh. (pronunciation lessons from two year old)

Steaming pistons said Gordon. (train vid dialogue)

It's a Ford. It's all I can afford. (I explain my car)

Knackered.

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The Whites are Staying Up

Sun, 22 Apr 2007 06:01:31 +0200

Me text: I'm thinking of going to Walsall tomorrow. Am I mad? Wanna come?
Son text: Hm ye Hm ye. Lol I'm Ok thanks. xx

Soon to be 17 years old, and I can't understand a "word" he's texting.
Anyway, it did not mean "yes I'll come" so he didn't.
Nevertheless I had a thoroughly good time, unable to sit down through nerves and dancing either side of a big pole (pictured) so I could see their several near misses properly. They're promoted, and this was their promotion party (snigger).

I'm stupid to care at my age, but I do.
And we won.
So did everyone else, so we aren't safe yet, but let's hear what Big Ron thinks...

Big Ron: This was massive. Massive.
[For those of you watching in black and white, the whites are playing in blue]

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